Day Brightener – Two Aliens

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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it: “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.” The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said,  “I’d calm down if I were you.” The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Miffed at the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don’t want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.” “Rubbish” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.” What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.”

Friday Frivolity – Definitions Of Golf

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golf21Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. 

Golf – You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. 

Golf is harder than baseball. In Golf, you have to play your foul balls. 

If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip … your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot. 

A ‘gimme‘ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers … neither of whom can putt very well. 

An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse. 

Golf‘s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.  

If your best Golf  shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game. 

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you. 

Golf is like marriage, if you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive. 

The best wood in most amateurs’ Golf bags, is the pencil.

Day Brightener – Why Couples Alternate Shot Golf Has Been Called The Divorce Open

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Couples Golf ImageA husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples’ alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, “Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine.” His wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said, “That’s OK, Sweetheart” and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in. His wife then proceeded to take her putter out and knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, “Honey, that was a bogey five and that’s OK, but I think we can do better.” To which she replied, “Listen asshole, don’t bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine.

Day Brightener – The Bathtub Test

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During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a care home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub,”

“Oh, I understand, “I said. ” A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No” he said.  “A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you prefer a bed near the window?”

(ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON – or do you want the bed next to mine?)

Day Brightener – A Few Quickies To Get Your Day Started

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Quickie #1 One day, Bob came got home from work, and was greeted at the door by his wife who was dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.” So he tied her up, and went fishing.

Quickie #2 A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door, and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” The husband said, “Oh, my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”

Quickie # 3 Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other person is a husband.

Quickie #4 A recent Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: ‘C Z W I X N O S T A Z.’ “Can you read this?” the optician asked. “Read it?” the Polish guy replied. “I know the guy.”

Quickie #5 Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, “I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.” “Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back of the room. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”

Quickie #6 A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful…CAREFUL! Oh, I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!” The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Quickie #7 Fifty years ago, Fred , a Michigan mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Fred ever since.

Day Brightener – Most Of Our Generation Of 60+ Were HOME SCHOOLED In Many Ways.

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Home School1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3.My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4.My father taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7.My father taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10.My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11.My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
13.My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”
14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
15.My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19.My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20.My father taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24.My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”rmb
25.My father taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
While the over 60 crowd will be able to identify with these statements, many of the younger ones will not believe we were told these “EXACT” words by our parents…

Day Brightener – Actual Quotes Taken From Employee Performance Evaluations

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dilbert2

  1. gluestick“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”
  1. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
  1. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
  1. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
  1. “When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
  1. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
  1. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
  1. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
  1. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better.”
  1. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”
  1. “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
  1. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
  1. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
  1. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
  1. “He would argue with a signpost.”
  1. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
  1. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
  1. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
  1. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
  1. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
  1. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
  1. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
  1. “He’s got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
  1. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
  1. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
  1. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
  1. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
  1. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
  1. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
  1. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes.”
  1. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”