This is too funny not to share … Who says Dads can’t think on their feet? And the innocence of little kids. 

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replies,”  No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child.

“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?  I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”

(YOU’RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!)

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,’Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

If you don’t send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world! 

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

• Warnings:
  The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit! Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or Zin.

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!

The following are called paraprosdokians. A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and oftentimes very humorous:

• If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they’re flashing behind you.
• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• I’m great at multi-tasking–I  can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
• If  you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• Take my advice — I’m not using it.
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
• Hospitality  is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
• Behind  every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
• Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
• I  was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• I  was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
• If  at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• If  tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
• Money is the root of all wealth.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, it was not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me.

I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari. I missed our bikes.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing pictures for you at the bottom of this note.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. XX

P.S: Your girlfriend phoned.

One day while riding his Harley a biker ran into God.  After a bit, God asked what was the one thing in the world he would want ?  The biker thought for a moment and said; God, I would like a highway from California to Hawaii so that I can ride my Harley all the way.  God replied that it would be extremely difficult – 4,000 to 5,000-foot pilings and more.  So God asked, what his second wish would be?  The biker thought a little and said, God, I would like to know how women think and act.  God considered that request for a moment and replied, do you want two lanes or four!

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. 

“Hello?” 

“Mrs. Sanders, please.” 

“Speaking.” 

“Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. 

“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.” 

“That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Sanders. 

“Normally we could have, but the new Kathleen Wynne health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time.”

”Well, what am I supposed to do now? ” 

“The folks at OHIP recommend that you drop your husband off, somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.”