Jake, Johnny, and Billy died and went to heaven.

“Welcome,” St. Peter said. “You’ll be very happy here if you just obey our rule: Never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, they all start quacking and it makes a terrible racket.”

That sounded simple enough until they passed through the Pearly Gates and found thousands of ducks everywhere.

Jake stepped on one right away.

The ducks quacked, making an unholy racket, and St. Peter came up to Jake bringing with him a ferocious-looking Amazon woman. “I warned you if you broke the rule you’d be punished,” St. Peter said. Then he chained the Amazon woman to Jake for eternity.

Several hours later, Johnny stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, they all quacked, and St. Peter stepped up to Johnny with an angry-looking, shrewish woman. “As your punishment,” St. Peter told Johnny, “you’ll be chained to this woman for eternity.”

Billy was extremely careful not to step on a duck. Several months went by.

Then St. Peter came up to him with a gorgeous blonde and chained her to Billy, uniting them for all time.

“Wow!” exclaimed Billy. “I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

“I don’t know about you,” said the beautiful woman, “but I stepped on a duck.”

A very simple way to explain how politics works …

I told my son “I want you to marry a girl of my choice!

He said “NO!”

I told him its Bill Gates daughter!!

He said “OKAY!”

Got in contact with Bill Gates & told him “I want your Daughter to marry my son!”

He said “NO!”

Told him my son was the CEO of the World Bank!

He said “OKAY!”

Went to the President of the World Bank & told him To make my son CEO of the Bank!

He said “NO!”

Told him my son was Bill Gates Son in Law!

He said “OKAY!”

That’s Exactly how Politics works.

Nunzio died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Angelina turned to her oldest and dearest friend.

“Ah well, Nunzio would be pleased,” she said. “You’re right,” replied Maria, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “So go on, how much did this really cost?” “All of it,” said Angelina. “Forty thousand.”

“Aw No!” Maria exclaimed, “I mean, it was very grand, but $40,000?!!!”

Angelina answered, “The funeral was $6,500. I donated 500 to the church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.”

Maria computed quickly. “Mama Mia !!! For crying out loud Angelina, $32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?

(just remember this, guys….)

MEMORIES

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to ‘sprinkle’ clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

• Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
• Ignition switches on the dashboard.
• Starter on the floorboard.
• Only one brake light on the left rear.
• Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
• Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
• Using hand signals for cars without turn signals .

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, NOT the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Candy cigarettes.
2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephones
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels. If you had a TV!!
7. Pea-shooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10. 8 rpm records
11. Hi-fi records 33 1/3 rpm
12. Metal ice trays with lever
13. Blue flashbulb
14. Cork popguns
15. Studebakers
16. Wash tub wringers
17. Little wax bottles with sweet liquid
18. Aluminum foil on the rabbit ears.

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don’t tell your age, &
If you remembered 11-16     =     You’re older than dirt!!!     THAT’S ME!!!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life .
Don’t forget to pass this along! Especially to all your really OLD friends

Someone asked the other day, ‘What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up? ‘We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up, ‘I informed him, All the food was slow   ‘C’mon, seriously.  Where did you eat?’ ‘It was a place called ‘home,’ I explained! ‘Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it. By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

• Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
• My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
• We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 10. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 11, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God. It came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
• I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the line.
• Pizzas were not delivered to our home… But milk was & so was bread.
• All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers, my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at 5 AM every morning.
• Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies! There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don’t blame me if they bust their gut laughing.

Growing up isn’t what it used to be, is it?

1. “Success in this game depends less on strength of body than strength of mind and character.” – Arnold Palmer

2. “I get to play golf for a living. What more can you ask for, getting paid for doing what you love.” -Tiger Woods

3. “Stay true to yourself and listen to your inner voice. It will lead you to your dream.” -James Ross

4.  The Eraser…

image credit: pinterest

5. “If you worry about making bogeys, it makes the game that much more difficult. You put more pressure on yourself without even noticing it. It makes a difference to take it easy when things aren’t going right.” -Sergio Garcia

6. “There’s no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing!” -Anonymous

7. “Golf… is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.” -P.G. Wodehouse

8. “The value of routine; trusting your swing.” -Lorii Myers

9. “A good golfer has the determination to win and the patience to wait for the breaks.” -Gary Player

10. “Arnold’s place in history will be as the man who took golf from being a game for the few to a sport for the masses. He was the catalyst who made that happen.” -Jack Nicklaus

11. “Golf is about how well you accept, respond to, and score with your misses much more so than it is a game of your perfect shots.” -Dr Bob Rotella

12. “I have to believe in myself. I know what I can do, what I can achieve.” -Sergio Garcia

13. “Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do.” -Bruce Crampton

14. “Achievements on the golf course are not what matters, decency and honesty are what matter.” -Tiger Woods

15. Player on a Good Player

image credit: pinterest

16. “One reason golf is such an exasperating game is that a thing we learned is so easily forgotten, and we find ourselves struggling year after year with faults we had discovered and corrected time and again.” -Bobby Jones

17. “For this game you need, above all things, to be in a tranquil frame of mind.” -Harry Vardon

18. “One of the most fascinating things about golf is how it reflects the cycle of life. No matter what you shoot – the next day you have to go back to the first tee and begin all over again and make yourself into something.” -Peter Jacobsen

19. “As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.” -Ben Hogan

20. “Golf is a science, the study of a lifetime, in which you can exhaust yourself but never your subject.” -David Forgan

21. “I have found the game to be, in all factualness, a universal language wherever I traveled at home or abroad.” -Ben Hogan

22. “Keep your sense of humor. There’s enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game you’re supposed to enjoy.” -Amy Alcott

23. “A routine is not a routine if you have to think about it.” -Davis Love Jr.

24. “Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated; it satisfies the soul and frustrates the intellect. It is at the same time rewarding and maddening – and it is without a doubt the greatest game mankind has ever invented.” -Arnold Palmer
25. “The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that he is neglecting his business. If he’s worse, he’s neglecting his golf.” -St Andrews Rotary Club Member

Golf Problem
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.

During the life boat drill, a man has used his wife’s life jacket for his golf clubs.

‘Man, that is really devious of her. Making club covers of her and the kids to guilt trip you every time you golf.’

‘How sweet, he’s smiling. He must be dreaming about me.’