While I suspect that the interstate highway system in part killed the Burma Shave roadside advice and humor, below is an example. More examples to follow in future posts.
Bonus Day Brightener – Burma Shave Road Signs
Day Brightener – The Texan and Alaska An Oldie, But Fun To Read Now And Again As Anyone Who Has Lived In Texas Can Identify The Feeling
John had been a resident of Texas all of his life and was proud of being from the largest state in the United States. Then Alaska was admitted and Texas was no longer the largest state. To make matters worse someone told John that if Alaska was divided in half Texas would be the third largest state. That did it – John could not stand it any longer he had to be a resident of the largest state. He hopped in his Lear Jet and off to Anchorage Alaska. Once in Anchorage John headed for the first bar. He asked the bartender how one became an Alaska resident. The bartender replied that one must do three things; Chug a quart of whiskey, kill a grizzly bear and make love to an Eskimo woman.
John asked the bartender for the quart of Jim Beam, chugged it down and out the door he went. Ten days later John returned to the bar. His clothes were torn an he was scarred up. He approached the bartender and asked; “Now where is that Eskimo woman I have to kill?”
Bonus Day Brightener – The Priest And The Nun
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,” Father, remember Psalm 100, Vers 4” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 100?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
Upon arriving at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise..”
Day Brightener – An Engineer At the Pearly Gates
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
“Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?
Day Brightener – 26 States That Were Named By Native Americans, Was Your State?
1. Alabama
Named after the Alibamu tribe of Indians who were members of the Creek Confederacy. Literally, it means “clears the thicket.”
2. Alaska
From the word “Alakshak’ which means peninsula.
3. Arizona
This one’s uncertain but may derive from a word meaning “small springs.”
4. Connecticut
From the expression “quinnitukg-ut” which means “at the long tidal river.”
5. Hawaii
From the words “Havaiki” or “Hawaiki,” which was the legendary name of the original Polynesian homeland.
6. Idaho
Derived from one of three sources and meaning one of three things:
Comanche “Idahi”, Shoshone “ee-dah-how” which means something like “Good Morning” Salmon River Tribe of Indians “Ida” means salmon and “ho” means tribe so we might be saying “Salmon eaters”.
7. Illinois
From “ilhiniwek” or “illiniwek”. “Illini” meant “man” and “iwek” makes the word plural, so, literally, “men.”
8. Iowa
Named after the Ioway Indians.
9. Kansas
Named after the Kansa Indians.
10. Kentucky
Means one of three things: meadow lands, cane and turkey lands, or dark and bloody ground.
11. Massachusetts
An Indian word meaning “about the big hill.”
12. Michigan
From the Chippewa Indian word “Michigama” meaning “large lake.”
13. Minnesota
From the Dakota Indian word “Minisota” meaning “white water.”
14. Mississippi
From the Choctaw word meaning “Great water” or “Father of Waters.”
15. Missouri
“Town of the large canoes.”
16. Nebraska
From the Oto Indian word meaning “flat water.”
17. New Mexico
Named after Mexico, of course. Means “place of the Mexica.” One source says that it’s derived from the name “Mertili” who was an Aztec god.
18. Ohio
From the Iroquois word meaning “beautiful.”
19. Oklahoma
From the Chocraw word meaning “red people.”
20 and 21. South and North Dakota
This used to all simply be called the Dakota Territory. The Indian word “Dahkota” means “friends” or “allies”.
22. Tennessee
From the Cherokee “Tanasi” which was a village. The word means one of three things: “meeting place”, “winding river”, or “river of the great bend”.
23. Texas
A Caddo Indian word meaning “allies.”
24. Utah
Derived from the Ute Indian word “Yuta” meaning “people who live high in the mountains.”
25. Wisconsin
From the word “Wishkonsing” meaning “place of the beaver.”
26. Wyoming
“On the Great Plain.” Thought Catalog Logo Mark
Day Brightener – Logic At Its Best – Between A Man And A Woman
This is a conversation between a man and a woman. Please note that she asks seven questions which he answered quite simply, and she is speechless after answering only two questions.
Woman: Do you play golf ?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many times a week?
Man: Usually about 3.
Woman: How much do you pay per round?
Man: Usually about $35 which includes lunch. (This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been playing?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a round costs $35 and you have 3 rounds a week which puts your spending each month at about $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at about $108,000 correct?
Man: Seems about right.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t play so much golf, that money could have been put in an interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could buy a new Ferrari?
Man: Do you play golf?
Woman: No.
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
Day Brightener – How To Drive In Phoenix – Another Were It Not So True
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: FEE-NICKS’. There are other names to learn such as Awatukee (Ah-wa-Too-Kee) but that will be included in the advanced course.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered ‘Wussy’.
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.
9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the ‘I-10’ are the same road. SR202 is the same road as The Red Mountain FWY. Dunlap and Olive are the same street too. Jefferson becomes Washington, but they are not the same street. SR 101 is also the Pima FWY except west of I-17, which is also The Black Canyon FWY, and The Veterans Memorial HWY. Lastly, Thunderbird Rd. becomes Cactus Rd. but, Cactus Rd. doesn’t become Thunderbird Rd. because it dead ends at a mountain.
10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been ‘accidentally activated.
11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be ‘flipped off’ accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.
12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.
Loren Berg's Blog 