A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. “I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?” 

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“OK,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal – it didn’t hurt his chances that he was the first man she had seen besides her father in years. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest.  The old man was standing over him “First Chinese torture test: Large rock on chest.” 

“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” 

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so the old man smiled softly, “Second Chinese torture test: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic, he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring a few broken bones were better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward the old man leaned out the window with a large grin, “Third Chinese torture test: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” 

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” 

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.” 

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. “Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep“.

Earlier this week Joanna Stern of the Wall Street Journal wrote an article titled “Apple 9.7-Inch iPad Pro Review: Tablet vs. Laptop Showdown” and you can find it Here. Following is the text of an email that I sent to Joanna. By the way, I did not include this in my email to Joanna but I wrote the email on my iPad and Brydge keyboard.

I read and enjoyed your review and while I agree with much of what you said, think you might have missed the point. Like you, I have an iPad Air – have not yet made the decision on the 9.7″ iPad Pro – and a MacBook Air. For me, the question is not can one replace the other but which is the best option for the job. On many shorter trips, I have been comfortable taking only the iPad and handled all of the things that I needed to do. Some of that relates to how I have the iPad configured – with MS Office 365, including OneNote which is a winner, Evernote, Fuze for meetings and my answer to file management Dropbox. Because I manage distribution emailing for three organizations using Constant Contact, and receive content in many formats, also have the iWork applications installed. I also attend two online chat meetings weekly and find the iPad best for that as I typically do this with the device in my lap. What makes all of this even more possible is my Brydge keyboard. I have used other keyboards on earlier iPads but nothing comes close to the Brydge. Backlighting, infinite display angles that hold where you set them and do not flop around and rock solid construction are just a few of the strong points of this product.

All that said, everything I regularly do can typically be done on the MacBook Air and in some instances easier. Also, not all of the applications – principally the MS Office group – have the same capability on the iPad but usually do not have a problem when editing something on the iPad that was created on the MacBook Air.

On the other hand, some things that I do daily are much easier on the iPad – reading newspapers and magazines at the top of that list. While in most cases I cannot get the publisher of magazines to stop sending me the physical product I typically have the issue read on my iPad before the physical media arrives and makes a one-way trip to the recycling barrel. The three newspapers I read are not so difficult and have agreed to stop delivering physical newspapers. By the way, I wished that the WSJ would come up with a lower digital subscription rate for us retired folk.

And there are some things, email, web browsing, basic correspondence among them, that get done based on which device I have at hand, and that by the way often extends to my iPhone. 

The larger iPad Pro is to me an answer looking for a question. I suspect there are some vertical applications where it makes sense but it still lacks the full power of the MacBook Air but when it is paired with the upcoming Brydge keyboard weighs slightly more than the MacBook Air. Who Knows. I am hoping that the rumor about a new MacBook Air sized MacBook Pro is true.

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.

The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there was a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a haircut.

*And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

As Ronald Reagan said:

*BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

*If you don’t forward this you have no sense of humor. Nothing bad will happen, however, you must live with yourself knowing that laughter is not in your future.

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds.  Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner!  Mostly croutons & tomatoes.  Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce.  And cheese.   FINE, it was a pizza.  I ate a pizza.

How to prepare Tofu:
1.  Throw it in the trash.
2.  Grill some Meat.

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don’t mean to brag but……I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school.
Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented….I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 65.   I learn something new every day…….and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night……He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

The IRS has returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey  after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly In response to the question, “Do you have anyone dependent on you?” 

The man wrote “9.5 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 3.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington and 40 million do nothing federal employees.

The IRS stated that the answer he gave was unacceptable.!!!

The man responded back, “Who did I leave out?”

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. Mark Twain

As I observe the current political climate I am struck at the accuracy of Mark Twain’s statement. I suppose one could change “member of Congress’ to “Presidential Candidate” and the statement would still be accurate. Consider the over inflated ego performances we are seeing from all corners of the spectrum and I suspect one could ask “Don’t we deserve better”?  The answer to that question is probably the same as the outcome on a golf swing – we don’t get what we deserve we get what we get. Or put another way we get what we pay for. Or is it what someone else pays for?

Experience hath shewn, that even under the best forms of government those entrusted with power have, in time, and by slow operations, perverted it into tyranny. Thomas Jefferson

Every time I look at comments like the above from Jefferson I am amazed that they were written some 200 years ago. As our government chips away at personal freedoms and assumes that they know better what is good for us than we do ourselves one sees that from what Jefferson said it is inevitable. But is it? I would hope not but as I listen to the current crop of Presidential Candidates I see little hope. Rather than talking about returning the decision process to us, they tell us what they are going to do to help us. The word “help” in the previous sentence might well be the greatest misnomer in history.

Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth. John F. Kennedy

Nothing breeds conformity like political correctness. Think about it, if in the name of political correctness, we avoid the open discussion of issues we are like lemming being lead to the sea. You know how that comes out! And it is not the issues on which we agree that discussions are important but it is the issues where we have differences that count and the ones where the tyranny of PC often times shuts things down. There is nothing wrong with agreeing to disagree. That said we do not have to ascribe bad faith, or worse, to one another. When at our institutions of higher learning we see a pervasive attitude that seals out anything that does not comply with a particular ideology it leads to the question; Is the tyranny of the minority any better than the tyranny of the majority?

Government’s first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives. Ronald Reagan

One has to wonder how our government so often strays from Reagan’s simple statement? Nothing here means that we do not help those with true needs but what is does mean is that for most of us our government should let us make the decisions. This simple truth goes back to our founding fathers in the 10^th amendment “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.” Can’t get much plainer!

Perspectives from four different people from very different times but to your writers mind a common thread. Our is a government of and for the people, not the other way around.

Loren Berg

Judy married Ted; they had thirteen healthy children. 

Sadly, Ted died. 

She married again, and she & Bob had seven more lovely children.

Bob was tragically killed in a terrible car accident twelve years later.

Judy remarried a third time, and this time, she & John had five more fine children.

Judy finally died after having twenty-five wonderful children. 

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.”

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: “Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”

Margaret replied: “I think he means her legs, Ethel!”

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’

‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well, that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!.

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith..

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’

‘Tripod?’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand for long.’

Mrs.  Smith  fainted!