My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot pool with his buddies and has sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.

Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn’t even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless 

Dear Clueless, 

Grow up and dump him. You don’t need him anymore! Good grief woman, you’re running for President of the United States!

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republican Presidential primary campaign is prompting an exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to conservative ideas about the Constitution.

Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and “green” energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

“A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips.”

When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50’s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.’s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. “I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors does one country need?”

A father told his three sons when he sent them to the university: “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.  However, I want you to appreciate it.  As a      token, please each put $1,000 into my casket when I die.”

And so it happened.  His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially.    When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the casket, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put ten $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn.  He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father’s casket, and took the $2,000 cash.

He later went on to become a member of Congress.

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him
straight in the eye and says,

“Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my
place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on… It doesn’t matter to me. I just love it.”

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, “No kidding… I’m in Government too.
Are you federal or state?”

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”

The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don’t have a car.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”

The judge asked, “Is your husband a nagger?”

“Oh, hell no, he’s as white as you and me!”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can’t communicate with me.”

After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday.  Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, “But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.”Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. “It is physically impossible!” she said.
Undaunted, the little girl said, “Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”

To this, the teacher said, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then YOU ask him!”
When you’re having a good day and then you realise tomorrow is Monday.

A young woman joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. She went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take her first jump from an airplane.

The next day she called home to tell her mother the news. “So, did you jump?” asked her mother.

“Well let me tell you what happened.” the girl said. “We got up in the plane and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen people got up and just walked out of the plane.”

“Is that when you jumped?” asked her mother.

“Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.”

”Did you jump then?” asked her mother.

“I’m getting to that. Everyone else had jumped and I was the last one left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my butt.”

“So did you jump?’

“No. He tried to push me out of the plane but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master.

The Jump Master is this great big guy about six-foot-six, and 280 pounds. He said to me “Are you gonna jump or not?’’

I said ‘No sir, I’m too scared.’”

“So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his Johnson. I swear Mom it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, ‘Either you jump out that door or I’m sticking this bad boy right up your ass.’”

“So, did you jump?” asked her mother.

“Well, a little at first.”

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.   He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.  The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk shouts,”Yes, I am.”

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.  He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?” The drunk replies,”No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.   He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, brother?”

The drunk answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he  begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

(get ready for this)

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in??

A gas station owner in Virginia was trying to increase his sales.  So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”  

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.  The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.” Bubba replied, “It ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.”