A homeowner in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on her roof. She looks in the yellow pages and finds an ad for “Alberta Bear Remover.” So she calls the number and a man says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder,a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun and a mean looking pit bull dog.

 “What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.

 “I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof.  Then I’m going to go up and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.  When the bear   falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will become subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. 

 “What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

 “If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says “I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate take a deep breath and say ’99’.

The old guy obeys and says”99”.

The doctor says, “Great”, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say “99”.

Again, the old guy says ’99’.

The doctor says, Very good.   Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.   I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.  Now take a deep breath and say ’99’.

The old guy begins, One…., two……, three……

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

THE FIRST MESSAGE:
Hey Bill —- This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around.  In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that’s no excuse, I know.  The temptation was just too much… I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won’t happen again.  Please come up with a fee for usage, and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Alan

THE ACTION:
Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor  Alan dead.  He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.

THE SECOND MESSAGE:
Hey Bill — This is Alan next door again.  Sorry about the slight typo on my last text.  I know you’ll figure it out anyway, but I’m sure you noticed that my autocorrect changed  ‘WiFi’  To ‘Wife’. Technology, hey?!?  Hope you saw the funny side of that.

Regards, Alan

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him: “I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I’ll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.  “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.

“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00.  A bartender cured me for $10.00.  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.  Ain’t nobody under there now.”

It’s always better to get a second opinion.

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned  to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death when you don’t know shit?”

And then she went back to reading her book.  

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favor?’

‘Of course child.  What may I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it.  Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?  Hide it under your robes perhaps?’

‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.’

‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.  The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’ 

‘From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.’

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’

‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’

Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father.  Next please!’

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little
thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and
generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me,
and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she
never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She
told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my
life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ‘I’m going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me.’

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood
there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front
door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord… And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ‘We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man
for our daughter. Welcome to the family.’

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

One day two Minnesotans, Ole and Sven, found themselves adrift in a lifeboat on Lake Superior. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Ole stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and
 suddenly, a genie came forth. This Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard
three.

Without thinking, or consulting Sven, Ole immediately blurted out, ‘turn the entire lake into Schmidt beer’.
The genie clapped his hands with a
 deafening sound, and immediately Lake Superior turned into Schmidt beer and
 just as quickly the genie
 vanished.

Now only the gentle lapping of beer on the
 hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their new circumstances.
 Sven looked disgustedly at Ole whose wish
 had been granted, and after a long tension-filled moment, Sven said, “Nice going Ole!
 Now we’re going to have to pee in
 the  boat.”