• Golf balls are like eggs – they’re white, they’re sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
• The pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you must have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
• It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps with house or yard work will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. – Did you ever notice that it’s a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to go to church?
• It takes longer to become good at golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around in a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.
• A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
• A good golf partner is one who’s slightly worse than you.
• The rake is always in the other trap.
• If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.
• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
• Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5.
• It’s easy to keep your ball in the fairway if you don’t care which fairway.
• If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play better.
• The greatest sound in golf is the “Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh” of your opponent’s club as he hurls it across the fairway.
• A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there’s ever a medical emergency, a doctor is always nearby.
• It’s difficult to decide which is more stressful – hitting 3 off the tee or lining up your 4th putt
• With practice and strength training you can easily get more distance off the shank.
• The only sure way to get a par is to leave a 4-foot birdie putt 2 inches from the hole.
• Nothing straightens out a nasty slice like a sharp dogleg to the right.
• Golden Rule: Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
• No matter how badly you are playing, it’s always possible to get worse.

A person is traveling and calls home to ask how things are at home. The kid says the cat died. Kid is told you don’t break news that directly, you first say cat is on the roof, next day cat it injured, third day cat died, so it isn’t a shock. Next day calls home to see how things are and is told “grandma is on the roof”.

GOTTA LOVE GRANDMA
The doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”

“Yes, they help me sleep at night.”

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that that could possibly help you sleep!”

She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee.     “Yes, dear, I know that.    But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And, believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night.”

You gotta Love Grandmas

THE NICE MAN BECAME IMPATIENT
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, “Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”

BIOLOGY EXAM
This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7. It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A.

A RIDE IN THE TAXI
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in  Detroit . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true Mom?”

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?”

“Most of them become taxi drivers,” she said.