If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famously erudite (comic) scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems.

1. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend… But she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever… So far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite: If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. I’ll let you know.
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My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was the President of the United States.”
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I’m reading a horror book in Braille. Something terrible’s about to happen. I can feel it.
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Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office. I’m on season 6 but not really sure what it’s got to do with security.
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My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology. His career is now in ruins.
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It’s probably not safe for me to be driving right now. But, hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
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No bragging, but I made six figures last year. So they named me the worst employee at the toy factory.
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I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. And then she gave me a huge hug.
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I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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Interviewer: How do yu explain this 4-year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale… Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks.  I really need this yob.
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Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
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I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong. I am giving up.  Drinking for a month.
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Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt… It was a waist of time.
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As I get older and remember all the people I lost along the way, I think to myself…Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
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Stephen Kin has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is.
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You’ve really gotta hand it to short people… Because they usually can’t reach it anyway.
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I went to the doctor and he told me “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I asked: “What like – pizzas or burgers?” He replied: “No, fatty.  Just don’t eat anything.”
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Did you hear about the drummer that had twin daughters? He named them Anna1, Anna2…
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I took my 8-yr-old daughter to the officeon ‘Take Your Kid To Work Day,’ but when we walked in the office she started to cry. As concerned staff gathered round I asked her what was wrong and she said: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with?”
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I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home, they were still there.
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