Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football. ~ Fran Lebowitz

There are several differences between a football game and a revolution. For one thing, a football game usually lasts longer, and the participants wear uniforms. Also, there are usually more casualties in a football game. The object of the game is to move a ball past the other team’s goal line. This counts as six points. No points are given for lacerations, contusions, or abrasions, but then no points are deducted, either. Kicking is very important in football. In fact, some of the more enthusiastic players even kick the ball, occasionally. ~ Alfred Hitchcock

If the Super Bowl is really the ultimate game, why do they play it again next year? ~ Duane Thomas

You guys line up alphabetically by height. ~ Bill Peterson

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. ~ Phyllis Diller

If I drop dead tomorrow, at least I’ll know I died in good health. ~ Bum Phillips

I don’t know whether I prefer Astroturf to grass. I never smoked Astroturf. ~ Joe Namath

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? ~ Jim Bouton

You need 1 yard. Run the ball. Run the ball! ~ Richard Sherman

Most football players are temperamental. That’s 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental. ~ Doug Plank

Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck. ~ Don Shula

When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you. ~ Walter Payton

Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football. ~ John Heisman

We can’t run. We can’t pass. We can’t stop the run. We can’t stop the pass. We can’t kick. Other than that, we’re just not a very good football team right now. ~ Bruce Coslet

When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team. ~ George Raveling

If you’re mad at your kid, you can either raise him to be a nose tackle or send him out to play on the freeway. It’s about the same. ~ Bob Golic

Do you know my favorite part about the game is? The opportunity to play. ~ Mike Singletary

It’s ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game—except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that’s important. ~ Andy Rooney

No one has ever drowned in sweat. ~ Lou Holtz

Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing. ~ Peyton Manning

The fewer rules a coach has, the fewer rules there are for players to break. ~ John Madden

Great football coaches have the vision to see, the faith to believe, the courage to do—and 25 great players. ~ Marv Levy

I feel like I’m the best, but you’re not going to get me to say that. ~ Jerry Rice

Don’t worry about it. It’s just a bunch of guys with an odd-shaped ball. ~ Bill Parcells

In high school, when I played football, I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it. ~ Billy Crystal

On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, we want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman – go see what they want! ~ Henny Youngman

I did play two years of high school football and was very short and uncoordinated but the second year I was very tall and skinny and very uncoordinated. ~ Kyle Chandler

High school football in Detroit was not easy at all. There were talented players everywhere. ~ Antonio Gates

For those of you unfamiliar with C. S. Lewis here is a short chronicle. Take special note of the comment from J.R.R. Tolkien.

Clive Staples Lewis was born in Belfast, Ireland, in 1898 to a family of avid readers. Lewis, too, was soon immersed in literature: He started reading at just 3 years old, and by age 5, he had begun writing stories about a fantasy land populated by “dressed animals.”

Years later, a 19-year-old Lewis served in World War I with the Somerset Light Infantry. He experienced trench warfare on the front line in the Somme, the horrors of which he carried with him for the rest of his life.

Lewis first met J.R.R. Tolkien in 1926, and the two men developed a lifelong friendship. Lewis, who had become an atheist early in life, found his way back to theism and Christianity under Tolkien’s guidance. Tolkien, meanwhile, openly credited Lewis as a major source of creative encouragement: “Only from him,” wrote Tolkien, “did I ever get the idea that my ‘stuff’ could be more than a private hobby. But for his interest and unceasing eagerness for more I should never have brought The Lord of the Rings to a conclusion.”

Lewis himself was a prolific writer of both fiction and nonfiction. The latter included books and essays of Christian apologetics in which he passionately promotes and defends Christianity. Christian themes are also highly prevalent in his works of popular fiction, which include The Screwtape Letters, The Space Trilogy, and, most famously, The Chronicles of Narnia.

Here are 18 quotes from C.S. Lewis’ letters, essays, and literary works, covering a range of subjects from reading and writing to the importance of friendship and please take special note of the ones on friendship..

Friendship is the greatest of worldly goods. Certainly to me it is the chief happiness of life. If I had to give a piece of advice to a young man about a place to live, I think I should say, “sacrifice almost everything to live where you can be near your friends.”

You can’t get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me.

For me, reason is the natural organ of truth; but imagination is the organ of meaning. Imagination, producing new metaphors or revivifying old, is not the cause of truth, but its condition.

Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.

The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them … For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never visited.

We have trained [people] to think of the Future as a promised land which favoured heroes attain — not as something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.

I do not think the forest would be so bright, nor the water so warm, nor love so sweet, if there were no danger in the lakes.

We all want progress. But … if you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

In reading great literature I become a thousand men and yet remain myself. Like a night sky in the Greek poem, I see with a myriad eyes, but it is still I who see.

When I was ten I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.

You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you.

The value of the myth is that it takes all the things we know and restores to them the rich significance which has been hidden by the “veil of familiarity.”

A children’s story which is enjoyed only by children is a bad children’s story. The good ones last. A waltz which you can like only when you are waltzing is a bad waltz.

The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles but to irrigate deserts.

The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, “What? You too? I thought I was the only one.”

I wrote the books I should have liked to read if only I could have got them. That’s always been my reason for writing. People won’t write the books I want, so I have to do it for myself.

Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.

CALLER:
Is this Gordon’s Pizza?

GOOGLE: 
No sir, it’s Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER:
OK I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want …

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes, and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I detest vegetables!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:
I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER
Enough already!  I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, and all the others.  I’m going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: 
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 weeks ago…

“Time is like a river. You cannot touch the same water twice, because the  flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.  And as I played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen anything like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.””

Apparently, I’m still lost….it’s a man thing.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question….

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”

HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”

WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”

HUSBAND: “Of course I do..”

WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry? “

HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”

WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”

HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”

WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”

HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”

WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”

HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”

WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”

HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

WIFE: “Would you give her my jewelry?”

HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”

WIFE: “Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: “Yes, those are always good times.”

WIFE: “Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”

WIFE: — silence —

HUSBAND:  “shit.”

I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, “I’ll bet a doughnut wouldn’t have done this to me.

Nothing spoils a good story more than the arrival of an eyewitness. (Mark Twain)

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to pick out one of your own. I know that now.

It’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “Sir, you need to leave!”

One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row, now.

If you dropped something when you were younger, you just picked it up. When you’re older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore.

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them lying on the kitchen counter, and then guess what’s on the list when I am at the store.

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side effects is bad for you.

I relabeled all of the jars in my wife’s spice rack. I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So tonight after dinner I’m dropping her off at her parent’s house.

The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two car payments.

I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I am sure of is that it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Driver: “What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?” Officer, “Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”

I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, “I’ll see,” & walked away. I asked another & he also said, “I’ll see,” & walked away. In the end, I gave up & found them myself, in Aisle C.

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two (2) places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I put our scale in the bathroom corner & that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then I got Facebook.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror & think, “That can’t be accurate!”

I want to be 14 again & ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation with “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.

A guy walks into a lumberyard & asks for some 2x4s. The clerk asks, “How long do you need them?” The guy answers, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.

Who knew that the hardest thing about being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die?

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings.

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.

So my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3 a.m. 3AM!!! Luckily I was already up playing the bagpipes.

Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch an episode of “The Hoarders,” and think, “Wow!  My house looks great.”

A group of guys live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they’re lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week? “No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot. Finally, one man says. Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay”. She’s there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She’s fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.

“The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They’re totally amazed. They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The lady blushes, and grins. “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.

“The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN’S REVENGE
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked. ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’ He addressed the man, ‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’ Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, ‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo- ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ ‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’ Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’ Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me..’ So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS’

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’ Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece