Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city.   One asked the other, “Did your son go back to college yet?”   

“Two days ago.”  

“Hm. Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”   

“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”   

“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”   

“He’s taking every penny I make.”  

“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”   

“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”   

“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”   

“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!”

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. “I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!” “Oh God no!” cries the man. “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”

“The good news is… I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant.” “Go for it doc,” says the man, “as long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

“Just great,” says the golfer. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great,” said the surgeon. “Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.”

“That’s unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”

“Well, just two, said the golfer, “I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.

Bob’s Annual Review:

1.  Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2.  hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without

3.  wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4.  thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

5.  finishes given assignments on time. Often, he takes extended

6.  measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7.  breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8.  vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9.  knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10.  classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be

11.  dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12.  promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

13.  executed as soon as possible.

Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd lines.

A passenger in a taxi reached forward and gently tapped the driver on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, nearly veered into the ditch and came to a stop just short of a building.

The shaking driver said are you OK? I am so sorry, you scared the daylights out of me.

The badly shaken passenger said “I’m sorry, I did not realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone that much.

The driver said “No No it is me that is sorry. It is entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab, I spent 25 years driving a hearse.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that; 1) You have to be single and 2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

BTW Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.