A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. “You have so much to live for,” he said. “I’m a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD that you’re alive”

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.  That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.

“I have an arrangement with a sailor,” she replied.  “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.”

“I see,” The captain says.

Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN….You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…’Getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take, a laxative today.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…’Getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…You’re not sure if these are facts or jokes.

 

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.  SO………..

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.  Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

Note: Please Pass This On To Anyone Who Needs A Laugh. Remember: If You Don’t Then You Might Possibly Be Related To Fulla Schittted.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET — A 6-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

A lady was driving down a country road when she suddenly hit a squirrel. She slammed the brakes and ran back to where the poor critter lay. Frantically looking around, she saw a veterinary office across the road. She scooped up the squirrel and ran inside, where she found a crusty old veterinarian sitting in a plush old chair reading a newspaper and looking mildly disturbed by her sudden entry.

She said, “Sir, can you help me? I seem to have hit this squirrel with my car, and now I don’t know what to do.”

With barely a glance in her direction, the crusty old vet said, “He’s dead. That’ll be $30 for the office visit.”

The lady was a little taken aback, and said “How can you say that he’s dead from all the way over there, without even looking at him? And the nerve, to charge me for an office visit, at that!”

The old vet got up and wordlessly took the squirrel and laid it on an exam table. Then he left the room, and returned with a mangy old cat that was probably as old as he was. He placed the cat on the exam table by the squirrel. The cat sniffed the squirrel from nose to tail; then let out a forlorn single “meow”, jumped off the table and left. The old vet nodded a couple of times, then left the room again, this time returning with an old Labrador retriever. He led the dog over to the exam table, and the dog started licking the squirrel up one side and down the other. Finally, the dog let out a forlorn “woof”, and walked away.

The old vet looked at the lady and said “I’m sorry ma’am, we did all we could do but he didn’t make it; he’s dead. That’ll be $500.”

The lady was becoming apoplectic at this point and could barely control her rage. “How can you charge me $500 for THAT?!”

“Well,” said the old vet, “it’s $250 for the cat scan and another $250 for the Lab work”.

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?

“As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse…

“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

I replied, “Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess.”

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her. So he says, “Do you know me?”

To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, “Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?”

The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”