MAKE SURE YOU READ IT TO THE END

VERY FUNNY

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”.

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”.

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”.

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

A teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and one bone began to tell their stories.

One little girl began,

“My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pick-up when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”

“What’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Another little girl raised her hand and said,

“Our family are farmers too but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks.”

The moral to this story is, “Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

“That’s a fine story,” said the teacher.

A little boy at the back of the class is waving his arm wildly.

“Yes, do you have a story to share?” inquired the teacher.

Yes ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Maureen;

“Aunt Maureen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of ammunition. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher,

“what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”

“Stay the hell away from Aunt Maureen when she’s been drinking.”

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. 

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. 

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. 

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. 

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. 

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. 

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead . 

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead . 

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . .. . Dead.  

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive … 

So the Minister asked the congregation,  “What did you learn from this demonstration?” 

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . . “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!” 

That pretty much ended the service!

Today is International Disturbed People’s Day. Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend… Just as I’ve done. “Hang in there sunshine, you’re special!”

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is surprised

He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota, and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney,and says, “Jimmy, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens.”

So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the tit – and the cow farts. Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, “You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din’tyah?”

Ole is surprised since he hadn’t told Jimmy about his trip. Ole replies, “Yah, dats right. But how’d yah know?”

Jimmy says, “My wife’s from Nordakota.”

Today’s post is defiantly a departure from my normal posts – two reasons; one it is not humor and two the centerpiece is a video. I truly want to thank Keith for bringing this to my attention yesterday and feel it is most fitting for today.

Most will probably recognize the song, Amazing Grace, even though it is sung in Catalan. Catalan is a Romance language like Spanish but is not a subset of Spanish itself. In fact, Catalan as a language is closer to French and Italian than Spanish or Portuguese. In Catalonia, this difference is most notably felt outside Barcelona as Catalan is the main language spoken on a daily basis. The artist is Spanish singer Mónica Naranjo and the setting is the Sacred Family Basilica, in Barcelona Spain. Enjoy and Happy Easter!

“Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play. – Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

“Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.” – Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver

“I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.” – Doug Sanders, professional golfer

“All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'” – Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher

“When it’s third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.” – Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

“I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having them.” – Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager

“My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.” – E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

“My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.” – Vic Braden, tennis instructor

“When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did but unfortunately it twas Mrs. Koufax’s.” – Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surger

“I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.” – Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

“We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.” – John Breen, Houston Oilers

“The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.” – Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons

“When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.” – Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

“I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.” – Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner

“Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.” – Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon.

“I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.” – Lou Holtz ,Arkansas football coach

“I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.” – Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game

“I tell him ‘Attaway to hit, George.'” – Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting

“I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery’ is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.” – Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers

“Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.” – George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.

“The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.” – Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

Thought you might find this interesting.  What they didn’t mention in this article is that CBS made the investment years ago to bury all the media cable used to film and broadcast the Masters, so what you don’t see is the unsightly mess of cables laced all over the course as in most tournaments.

Masters Tournament Quirks.

Maybe things you knew about Augusta and maybe some you didn’t. In 1934 Bobby Jones requested the USGA to host the US Open at Augusta. The USGA said no.  Angry at the rebuff. Bobby Jones and Clifford Roberts decided to have their own event, which became the Masters. The Masters is not a Championship of anything.  “You are the winner of the Masters”.  

The Masters is one of the most unusual events in sports. It’s all about tradition, and it’s defined by a set of odd rules and customs that just don’t exist outside of Augusta National. It’s great. We compiled the oddest traditions that make the Masters and Augusta one of a kind. 

Food prices are ridiculously low. 

Tipping is banned. 

Cell phones are prohibited at all times and cameras are not permitted during the tournament. 

It’s one of the only places in the U.S. where there are long lines for payphones. 

There’s a huge fence around the course to keep out animals. There has been one deer sighting in the last 65 years.  

Only four minutes of commercials per hour are allowed during the broadcast and no blimps are allowed. 

TV commentators are not allowed to refer to fans as “fans” or “spectators” They are to be called “patrons,” and the rough is to be referred to as the “second cut.” 

The Masters banned CBS broadcaster Gary McCord in 1995 for saying, “They don’t cut the greens here at Augusta, they use bikini wax.” 

Players had to use local caddies provided by Augusta until 1983. 

Players are allowed to use their own caddies now, but they have to wear the Augusta uniform — green hat, white jumpsuit. 

Like many golf courses, there is good fishing at Augusta National, but the players don’t like to talk about it because it is forbidden.  

In 2011, Monte Burke of Forbes interviewed golfers about the best fishing spots on the PGA Tour . When Augusta was brought up, he described their responses as “squeamish” and they only admitted to hearing there were some good spots.  A former caddie was willing to tell Burke that the best spots are the creek in front of the 12th hole (“full of bream”; seen above) and the pond at the 16th hole (“brimming with bass”). 

Fans, oops, we mean patrons, aren’t allowed to wear their hats backwards.

Patrons can bring collapsible chairs to sit on, but those chairs are not allowed to have armrests. 

Running is not allowed, unless you are a player. 

Grounds crew members used to wear hard hats. 

There is an odd myth that the grounds crew at Augusta packs the azalea plants with ice if spring comes early. The idea is that this will keep the plants from flowering too soon before the tournament. 

There is a house located in the middle of the Augusta National parking lot because the owners refuse to sell it. The family has reportedly turned down “millions.” 

You can’t apply to become a member at Augusta.  It’s nearly impossible to become a member at Augusta.  You have to be nominated by a current Augusta member, and new initiations generally aren’t accepted unless someone quits or dies. The total membership hovers around 300. 

Augusta is closed in the summer to keep the course in pristine shape.  Even the press conference podium is immaculate. 

Players are given a brand-new Mercedes for use during the week. 

Golf cart drivers who are hired to drive the players around Augusta National also pick up the golfers at the airport in the Mercedes they will be using. The cars also have a number in the back window so that employees can always identify the players by which car they are in. 

You can go to jail for selling tickets.  Twenty-four people were arrested outside Augusta in 2012 for trying to scalp tickets. The course is insane about who it lets into the tournament and it’s illegal to sell tickets within 2,700 feet of the gates. 

You can only ask for autographs in one part of the course.  Fans always line the ropes at big tournaments in hopes of getting a signature. But this is tougher to do at Augusta. You can only try and solicit an autograph on the Washington Roadside of the clubhouse, near the practice facilities. 

The bunkers at Augusta are filled with mining waste.  You know those pristine white bunkers? They’re actually composed of waste product from the mining of aluminum, according to Golf.com Basically, there’s a company that mines feldspar (rocks) for aluminum. This process produces waste in the form of really bright, pure quartz and that’s what Augusta uses.