Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903–Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

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In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.

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On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only the good die young

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In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

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In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon him for not rising.

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In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake, Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

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In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw.

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A lawyer’s epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.

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John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

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In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

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Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:

Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.

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On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod, Pease shelled out and went to God.

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THIS ONE IS EXTREMELY WELL WRITTEN: –

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by, as you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I’ll not consent, Until I know which way you went.

And the final one…

On a tombstone in Boothill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a 44 No Les, No more.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Beatrice”, he said. “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.”

“The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”

1. People born in the 50’s have lived in 7 decades, 2 millenniums.  We had the best music, fastest cars, drive-in theaters, soda fountains, and happy days.  And we are not even that old, we are just that cool.
2. Don’t stop having fun when you get older because you will get older when you stop having fun.
3. There are three signs of old age.  The first is memory loss.  I forget the other two. 
4. At my age the only pole dancing I do is to hold onto the safety bar in the bathtub. 
5. Who cares if we are getting old?  We still rock. 
6. Some people say we act looney.  We prefer to say we indulge in random self-amusement. 
7. Getting older has some benefits.  Call it a senior moment and you can get away with pretty much anything.
8. I am old enough to make my own decisions.  Just not young enough to remember what I decided. 
9. An 86-year-old has written a romance novel.  Most of the steaminess comes from the hot flashes. 
10. Getting Older is like being on a roller coaster.  There are highs, lows, laughter, and tears and sometimes you just may wet your pants a little. 
11. Welcome to the age where your secrets are safe with your friends.  They can’t remember them either. 
12. Don’t mess with old people, we didn’t get this age being stupid.
13. I am still waiting patiently for the wisdom that supposedly comes with old age. 
14. Why is it the one who snores the loudest is always the first to fall asleep. 
15. My granddaughter asked me what it was like to be old.  “Put cotton in your ears and pebbles in your shoes.  Pull on rubber gloves.  Smear Vaseline over your glasses, there you have it: Instant:  ‘Old Age’.” 
16. It is a hoot being older.  You are at the age that you can finally say exactly what you are thinking. 
17. I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older…younger. 
18. As you get older you will understand more and more that it is not about what you like or what you own.  I am all about the person you have become. 

Whatever you do…Have fun and Bring Joy to Others!

• My Goal For 2020 Was To Lose 10 Pounds. Only Have 14 To Go
• I ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese.  FINE, it was a pizza…. OK, I ate a pizza!  Are you happy now?
• I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
• I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
• A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
• Kids today don’t know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
• Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
• Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside, they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
• I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented.  I forgot where I was going with this.
• I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
• A thief broke into my house last night.  He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.
• remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
• Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
• It’s weird being the same age as old people.
• When I was a kid, I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.
• Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
• Never sing in the shower!  Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, & slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.  So, don’t sing
• I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
• So, if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
• If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”  That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
• I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
• Cronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic.  One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
• Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
• getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
• I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
• At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in:  “That’s a load of 2020.”  or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
• You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.
• We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads.

1. How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.— Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to  marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. — Kristen, age 10

2 . What Is The Right Age To Get Married?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. — Camille, age 10

3 . How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. — Derrick, age 8

4 . What Do You Think Your Mom And Dad Have In Common?
Both don’t want any more kids. — Lori, age 8

5 . What Do Most People Do On A Date?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. — Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure?)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. — Martin, age 10

6 . When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
When they’re rich. –  Pam, age 7 (Love her)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. – Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. – Howard, age 8

7 . Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9  (bless you child )

8 . How Would The World Be Different If People Didn’t Get Married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? – Kelvin, age 8

And the #1Favorite is…….

9 . How Would You Make A Marriage Work?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.–  Ricky, age 9

O x y m o r o n s

• Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why does “slow down” and slow up” mean the same thing?
• Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
• Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
• Why do we sing “Take me out to the ballgame” when we are already there?
• Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?
• Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
• Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected”make the unexpected expected?
• Why are a “wise man” and” wise guy” opposites?
• Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
• Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
• Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
• Christmas- What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
• Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? I dunno, why do we?