Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, ‘Mujibar, You have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.’

Mujibar said, ‘I am ready.’

The manager said, ‘Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green.’

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, ‘Mister manager, I am ready.’

The manager said, ‘Go ahead.’

Mujibar said, ‘The telephone goes green, green, And I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.’

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

The Jewish Elbow…
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartments, I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.

Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.

When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ………

“What . .. . .. .. You’re coming empty handed?”

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Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ” “Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up!’ “?

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Irish blonde…
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ….. but all men…are men!

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Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:

• FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex – right now.
• FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
• FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
• FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you.  This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.  If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the  Santa Fe Plaza.  Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank:  “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.”

  Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that’s the worst one.  These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children.  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili.  Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA.  I’ve located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I’m getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  This 300 lb.  Woman is starting to look HOT …  Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili.  Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I’m burning my lips off..  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw them.

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.  Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can’t feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing.  I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me.  I’ve decided to stop breathing.  It’s too painful.  Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he’s going to make it.  Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.

I never thought orthopedic shoes would really work for me, but I stand corrected.

Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

A Mexican magician said he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, “”Uno, dos.” Poof. He disappeared without a tres.

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs. It’s a step by step guide.

My son was chewing on electric cords, so I had to ground him. It’s OK, though. He’s doing better and conducting himself properly.

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him. But that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

“Doctor, my child swallowed a roll of film. What should I do?”

“Let’s wait and see if anything develops.”

An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted, “Nobody move.”

Got drunk yesterday and threw up in the elevator on my way back home. It was disgusting on so many levels.

Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? For Hispanic attacks.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic. He said, “Sure. Knock yourself out!”

I got into a fight today with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. The odds were really against me.

In Britain it’s called a lift but Americans call it an elevator. I guess we were just raised differently

97% of people are stupid. Glad I’m in the other 5%.

1. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. —Henry Cate, VII
2. I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. —Adlai Stevenson
3. Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. —Author Unknown
4. George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame the previous administration for his troubles. —Author Unknown
5. If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it. —Mark Twain
6. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything. —Joseph Stalin
7. Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.—George Carlin
8. 8.The oppressed are allowed once every few years to decide which particular representatives of the oppressing class are to represent and repress them. —Karl Marx
9. There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough US congressmen. —Author Unknown
10. We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice. —Woody Allen
11. If you put your politicians up for sale, as the US does … then someone will buy them — and it won’t be you; you can’t afford them. —Juan Cole
12. Don’t buy a single vote more than necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide. —Joseph P. Kennedy
13. By the time a man gets to be presidential material, he’s been bought ten times over. —Gore Vidal
14. When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. —J. O’Rourke
15. In a society governed passively by free markets and free elections, organized greed always defeats disorganized democracy. —Matt Taibbi
16. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. —George Carlin
17. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. —Winston Churchill
18. Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that “my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge. —Isaac Asimov
19. Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half. —Gore Vidal
20. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election. —Bill Vaughan
21. If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd every time, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side. —Orson Scott Card
22. A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the next generation. —James Freeman Clarke

CRAFTY
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked. ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws’

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.  The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’ Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’  Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’  So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS’.

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him,  When he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’ Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGHAND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!