Nineteen Newfoundlanders go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks, “Why so many of you?” Buddy replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

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My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70.Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

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I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.

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My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a m. Can you believe that! 2:30 a m? Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”

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The wife was counting all the nickels and dimes out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”

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My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has traveled the world, has swum with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

Nineteen blondes go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Barbie replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and found they were $70 each. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am. Can you believe that – 2:30 am? Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend – yet.

 

It is the Christmas season and the judge is in a benevolent mood.

He asks the accused man: “Well, Mr Jones, what crime were you accused of committing this time of the year?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early, your honour,” replies Mr Jones humbly.

“That’s no crime,” comments the judge. “What time did you do your early Christmas shopping?”

“Just before the store opened.”

Sylvia and Hymie were married for 60 years unfortunately it wasn’t a great marriage.

A day after Hymie dies Sylvia gets a call from the family Lawyer explaining the all that Hymie left in his will was one million dollars and the entire amount had to be spent on his funeral. 

On top of that within 3 months Sylvia has to account to the lawyer on every cent that was spent .

Sure enough 3 months to the day after the funeral the lawyer calls

Lawyer: ” Sylvia I need you to account on the million dollars spent on Hymie’s funeral “?

Sylvia “well I spent $5,000 on the casket, $3,000 on the funeral service, $ 8,000 on the burial plot, $ 4,000 on the hearse and $980,000 on the Memorial stone

Lawyer ” What ! $ 980,000 on the memorial stone ? How big was the damn memorial stone ? “

Sylvia :  “about 18 carats “

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.’

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.’ 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’ 

7. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’ ‘Is it common?’ Well, ‘It’s Not Unusual.’ 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ ‘I don’t believe you,’ says Dolly. ‘It’s true; no bull!’ exclaims Daisy. 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before. 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. 

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel. 

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’ 

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. ‘But why,’ they asked, as they moved off. ‘Because,’ he said, ‘I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.’  

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, ‘They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.’

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) ….. A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight, and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention, please?”, she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14”.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “F*** You!”

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. 

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ 

She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’ 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’ 

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’ 

The defense attorney nearly died. 

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.