JEWISH MOTHER

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, “So, Mom, I assume you’ll be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don’t think so. It’s a ten-hour drive, your father isn’t as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.

“I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?”

Susan replies, “I’ll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York.”

“Honey,” Mom complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.”

The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.”

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2025, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President’s mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says: “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?”

The Senator whispers back, “Yes, I do”

Mom says proudly, “Her brother is a doctor.” 

ITALIAN MOTHER

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, “Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, “Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?”

Mama says immediately, “The one on the right.”

“That’s amazing, Mama. You’re right. How did you know?”

Mama replies: “I don’t like her.” 

AN IRISHMAN’S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him Guinness Stout. He didn’t like it so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style. He didn’t like that either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . . I could barely push the stroller back home.

  

Last one…

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O’Connor looks around and asks, ‘Oh, my boys, someone got to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?’

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short straw. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

‘Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.’

Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, ‘Your husband just lost $500 at poker; and is afraid to come home.

‘Tell him to drop dead!’, says Murphy’s wife.

‘I’ll go tell him.’ says Gallagher.

 ZZ Zzz

The F*** word has become a common word, but sometimes the use of this word can be fatal….

A foursome of men waited to tee off, while a ladies’ foursome was hitting in front of them…..taking their time.

When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10ft. Then she went over & missed it completely. Then she hacked it another 10ft…..and finally hacked it another 5ft.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, “I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn’t help my game”.

One of the men responded: “Well, there you have it!! You should have taken golf lessons instead.”

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43….! May he rest in peace.

1.  A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

2.  Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

3.  The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.

4.  A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5.  A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

6.  A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why.

7.  A 2″ X 4″ Stud is really 1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″.

8.  During the chariot scene in ‘Ben Hur,’ a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston’s wearing a watch).

9.  On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries…)

10.     Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

11.     Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

12.     The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

13.     There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

14.     The name ‘Wendy’ was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded ‘Wendy’ before.

15.     The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

16.     If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)

17.     Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.

18.     The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born in the USA.’

19.     The original name for butterfly was flutterby. (And that is a more accurate description)

20.     The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

21.     The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

22.     Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

23.     By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

24.     Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

25.     Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. (???)

26.     Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

27.     Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”

28.     An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!

29.     The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

30.     The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.

31.     Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

32.     Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.  The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands.

 Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?” 

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember. 

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:   “I love you, sweetheart.”

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.  Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way? 

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don’t understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

7. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.  So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.  The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity.  Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?” 

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?” 

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, “Uh . . . no, I didn’t know that.” 

“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. 

“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?” 

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea.” 

And the lawyer says, “So, if I didn’t give any money to them, what the hell makes you think I’d give any to you?”

Shown below, is a letter sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further.  When you call me, press buttons as follows: 

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
 


#1. To make an appointment to see me 
#2. To query a missing payment. 
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 10
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client 

And remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.

The letter quoted above was one man’s method of blowing off steam at having to deal with some of these exasperating aspects of modern banking. It was penned by Peter Wear, a columnist for the Courier Mail in Brisbane, Australia, for that publication’s “Perspectives” column. The letter was not actually sent to a bank; it was a humor piece from start to finish, albeit one inspired by the author’s actually having had one of his checks bounce. Though the item did appear in an actual newspaper, it was not, however (as claimed in the Internet-circulated version’s prologue), published in the New York Times. This Part is from Snopes.