A man walks into a bar and sits waiting for the bartender to walk over. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” Asks the bartender.

The man says, “Look mate I don’t have much cash…” “How about this – If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, and then says, “OK fair enough – but it had better be a really really good one.” 

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano and piano stool. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, sits down and proceeds to play the blues.

Amazed, the bartender pours the guy a drink. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “Right then – how about this…” “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first one. 

The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat’s music.

While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him $5,000 for the bullfrog. “Sorry – thanks for the offer,” He replies, “But he’s not for sale.” The stranger then increases the offer to $15,000 cash up front. “No,” Insists the man, “Look, I admit that it’s a pretty tempting offer but I told you, he’s not for sale.” Desperate to buy the talented singing frog the stranger again increases the offer, this time to $25,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

“Are you crazy?” Asks the bartender. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $25,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” The man answered. “The frog was really nothing special.” 

Astounded the barman says, “What do you mean nothing special?” “It’s an amazing blues singing bullfrog mate!” 

Nah says the man, “You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been down there for a while.

Before setting off, he grabs a five-gallon bucket as he decides he’ll bring back some fruit.

As he nears the pond, he can hear voices shouting and laughing with glee. Clearly, someone is having a good time.

As the farmer gets closer, he can see a bunch of young women who are clearly skinny-dipping in his pond.

He makes the women aware of his presence and immediately they all swim over to the far end.

One of the women then shouts, “We’re not coming out until you leave mister!“

The farmer replies, “Ladies, I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond. You carry on.“

The wily old-timer then holds up his bucket and says, “I just came down here to feed the alligators!“

Moral of the story: Never underestimate an old man.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said.

“And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.”

“Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.”

“I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

‘Oh my, I am so sorry,’ the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. ‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.’

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks… They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?’

‘No,’ she replies.

(The suspense is killing you, isn’t it)? she said ………

” You’re just the first man who happened to catch my eye. ”

(Oh, shut up, and just forward it!)

A couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, Martha, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know.  In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason…

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

 “All right,” Martha said. So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”

His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?

The son replied, “I do know!”

“Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?”

“That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly,” It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’ (This one is my favorite)

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.

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“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”

A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the kindergarten boy.

“Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.

“You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven..”

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

“Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

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Last, but not least, a great one:

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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Just sayin’ – When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache….. When you open it, he collapses….. When he sees you reading it, he faints….. When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees….. And when you are about to forward this message…. He will try and discourage you.. I just defeated him!!! Any other takers?