400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, ‘Ladies and gentleman; we don’t know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight!’

Her next announcement came six hours later.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 180 dinners available’.

Moral of the story: People who like to drink, have very kind hearts.

These holes are not only amazing, but some are really terrifying! The sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny we are.

Kimberley Big Hole – South Africa

Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons of diamonds before being closed.

Glory Hole – Monticello Dam, California 

A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs to be drained from the reservoir. It is the largest spillway of this type in the world and consumes 14,400 cubic feet of water every second.

Great Blue Hole, Belize 

This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize . There are numerous blue holes around the world, but none as stunning as this one.

SHIT HOLE, Washington D.C.

This hole swallows trillions and trillions of U.S. Dollars annually! The money that falls into this hole is never heard from again, nor do we see any good come from it. It is reported to be filled with thousands of “ass holes.”TRULY AMAZING!!

Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer. He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Singh, “and I have all the necessary papers.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After Mr Singh leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, Mr Singh returns, repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?”

The man replies, “Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41?”

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained that, “ since he controlled all parts of the body, he should be boss”.

The feet said, “We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go”.

The hands argued that, “Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep all the rest of you going, I should be boss”.

The stomach countered with the explanation that, “since he digested all of the food, he should be boss”.

The eyes said that “ without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss”.

Finally, the asshole spoke up and demanded that he should be boss. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. The Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Within a short time,the brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly,the hands clenched, the stomach got ill, the eyes became crossed. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit.

Moral Of The Story: You don’t need a brain to be a Boss-any asshole will do

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house, a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach”

The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick.” As they left, the younger doctor remarked, “You didn’t even examine that woman!” and then asked, “How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”

“Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what has probably been making her sick.” The younger doctor replied, “Pretty clever! If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”  “You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church.” Then he asked, “But how did you arrive at it?” “I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.”

United Flight Attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!’
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On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of yourbelongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.

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‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane’

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks for flying our airline.’ He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?’ ‘Why, no, Ma’am,’ said the pilot. ‘What is it?’ The little old lady said, ‘Did we land, or were we shot down?’

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella, WHOA!’

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.’

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Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo …. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!’

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‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’

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‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses… except for that gentleman over there.’

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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, ‘That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.’

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’

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Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: ‘We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways..’

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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight – ‘Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and, if you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.’

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the captain made an announcement over the intercom; ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax…. OH, MY GOD!’ Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’ A passenger in coach yelled, ‘That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!’

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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

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Gosh friends, I’m sure proud to be from Minnesota.

Archeological Study: After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
 
Not  to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just  outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read,  “California archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.”
 
One week later, a local newspaper in Duluth, MN reported the following: 
”After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Anoka, Ole Olson, a hell of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, MN had already gone wireless.” 

Just makesmefeel so good to be from this fine enlightened state.

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD   OF YOU
8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING
10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES

WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF