Meet Walter Barnes

All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man! 

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” 

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question.  All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. 

“Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?” 

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly. 

“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?” 

“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. A

“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?” 

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all them assholes.”   

Life is short – Work like you don’t need money, Love like you’ve never been hurt, dance like no one’s watching and never regret anything that made you smile.” -Satchel Paige

Einstein’s birthday was March 14, 1879. He would be 143 years old. He did so much for helping people understand how the world works. His exploration changed humanity and its search for meaning. Not everyone can be as smart as Einstein, especially since it was discovered upon dissection that he had an extra fold in his brain. You can, however, think and sound like a genius simply by reading and repeating the brilliant sayings he shared over the years. Here are some of the best with my favorite being number 7.

1. “Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.”

2. “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.”

3. “Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.”

4. “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”

5. “The only source of knowledge is experience.”

6. “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

7. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

8. “Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.”

9. “The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”

10. “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”

11. “If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?”

12. “The only real valuable thing is intuition.”

13. “Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.”

14. “I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.”

15. “It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.”

16. “Information is not knowledge.”

17. “I never think of the future — it comes soon enough.”

18. “No amount of experimentation can ever prove me right; a single experiment can prove me wrong.”

19. “In order to succeed your desire for success should be greater than your fear for failure.”

20. “Education is not the learning of the facts, but the training of the mind to think.”

21. “I have tried 99 times and have failed, but on the 100th time came success.”

22. “You never fail until you stop trying.”

23. “Only one who devotes himself to a cause with his whole strength and soul can be a true master. For this reason mastery demands all of a person.”

 

I am only human, although I regret it. ~ Mark Twain

Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard. ~ Margaret Culkin Banning

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena. ~ Jon Stewart

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. ~ Groucho Marx

I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. ~ H. Kyle Seale

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough. ~ Larry David

He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career. ~ George Bernard Shaw

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. ~ Caroline Rhea

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun. ~ Scott Adams

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. ~ Bob Hope

This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo. ~ Bill Maher

I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk. ~ Larry David

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. ~ David Letterman

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. ~ Matt Groening

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. ~ Jackie Mason

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. ~ Carl Sagan

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. ~ Franklin Jones

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots. ~ Ron White

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. ~ Betty White

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. ~ Alexander Woollcott

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own. ~ Si Robertson

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. ~ Steven Wright

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! ~ Tom Lehrer

I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms. ~ Michael Scott

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.

Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane…

Only this time there were two people on the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said,

“Do anything you want to me, but my wife is on the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”