These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

• FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.  8 years old,
 Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
• FREE PUPPIES  
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
• FREE PUPPIES.
 Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
 Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
• COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.   Also 1 gay bull for sale.
• JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
 Must sell washer and dryer £100.
• WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.  Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
• FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
 Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century – Thought from the greatest living Scottish thinker–Billy Connolly. “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

In 1923, Read Who Was:
1.President of the largest steel company?
2.President of the largest gas company?
3.President of the New York stock Exchange?
4.Greatest wheat speculator?
5.President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6.Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the world’s most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later do you know what ultimately became of them?

The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:
Screw work. Play golf.

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, 
Raised a glass of water and asked; 
’How heavy is this glass of water?’

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, ‘the absolute weight doesn’t matter. 
It depends on how long you try to hold it. 
If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. 
If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. 
If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. 
In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.’

He continued, 
’and that’s the way it is with stress management. 
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, 
As the burden becomes increasingly heavy, 
We won’t be able to carry on.

‘As with the glass of water, 
You have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. 
When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. 
’So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work or whatever is bothering you down. Don’t carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.

Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, 
Let them down for a moment if you can. 
’so, my friend, put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. 
Don’t pick it up again until after you’ve rested a while.’

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

• Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• Always wear stuff that will make you look good 
if you die in the middle of it..
• Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be 
”Recalled” by their maker.
• If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, 
it was probably worth it.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
• Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, 
because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
• Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. 
Just get up and dance.
• When everything’s coming your way, 
you’re in the wrong lane.
• Birthdays are good for you. 
The more you have, the longer you live.
• You may be only one person in the world, 
but you may also be the world to one person.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
• We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives women a present of $5,000 and watches to 
see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because 
she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs. 

Men are like that, you know.

And on another 
note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Saving the best for last, here it is!

Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, yet the youngest you’ll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts.

Send this on to other “Old Friends!” and let them laugh in agreement!

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist, and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics – no go.

Next, they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives – thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds – still no good.

Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes – unacceptable again!

So, they tried Nuts and Butts – no way.

Freaks and Cheeks – still no good.

Loons and Moons –  forget it…

Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.  The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘how do you stay in such great physical condition?’

I’m Italian and I am a golfer,’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape.  I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.  I have a glass of vino, and all is well.’

“‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it.  How old was your Father when he died?’

‘Who said my Father’s dead?’

The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your Father’s still alive.  How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer.  ‘In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the beach for a walk and had a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive.  He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that.  How about your Father’s Father?  How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my Nono’s dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living!  Incredible, how old is he?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,  ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’

‘No, Nono couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married?  Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?

‘Who said he wanted to?’

• I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said, “May I have large bills, please?” She looked at me and said, “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.” When I got up off the floor I explained it to her….
• When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’ His reply: ‘I know. I already got that side.’ This was at the Chevy dealership in Canton, MS.
• We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a ½ horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, ‘NO, it’s not..’ Four is larger than two.’ We haven’t used Sears repair since.
• My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.  Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.
• My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.– From Kansas City
• I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’ Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
• The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’ She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
• At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’ Our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
• I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.

STAY ALERT! They walk among us……and they VOTE.

Last week, my friend Jake’s wife said to him, “Honey, get off your butt and fix the gutter downspout!   It’s going to rain,  so I want it done by tomorrow!”

Jake and most of his friends are retired and enjoy helping each other address such “honey do’s”, so  he invited us over to help with the project the next day at 10:00 –

Paul retired as a sheet metal fabricator.
Pete brought his welder.
Bob brought beer and Nachos.
I brought a grill and makings for hamburgers.

The repair took us about 6 hours and we completed it just as we finished the three cases of beer.

Jake’s wife came out, saw our work, turned on her heel and stopmed back into the house!

He can’t understand why she was upset, because we all love it!

Personally, I cannot wait for rain later today.

SCROLL!!!