1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t. 


2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 


3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 


4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.  


5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck -is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think , and forget to start again?

16. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.  


18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?  


20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 


21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.  


22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!  


23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.  


24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs… A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true) 

27. The trouble with life is there’s no back ground music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 


29. I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!   
Life is too short and friends are too few!

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in a very seductive voice, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?” 
 

”No,” said her husband. 

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of 
her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, 
silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled 
approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled 
up?” 



”Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. 

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and 
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a 
crumpled Fifty Dollar bill..

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little 
quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

He said “No!”, trying to hide his arousal.

She said …… “Check the garage.”

Yep, it’s that time of year again to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important
to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it!

Here is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to your last test. 
Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take this test to determine if you’re losing it or not. 

The space below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer. 
OK, relax, clear your mind, and begin.

#1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: ‘bread.’ If you said ‘toast,’ just give up now, and go do something else.
And, try not to hurt yourself! If you said, bread, go to Question #2.

# 2. Say ‘silk’ five times. Now spell ‘silk.’ What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said ‘milk,’ don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is already over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Women’s Weekly or Auto World. However, if you did say ‘water,’ proceed to Question #3.

# 3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said ‘green bricks,’ why are you still reading this??? PLEASE, go lie down!!! But, if you said ‘glass,’ go on to Question #4.

# 4. Do not use a calculator for this: 

You are driving a bus from New York City to Philadelphia.
In Staten Island, 17 people got on the bus.
In New Brunswick, 6 people get off the bus, and 9 people get on.
In Windsor, 2 people get off, and 4 get on.
In Trenton, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Bristol, 3 people get off, and 5 people get on.
And, in Camden, 6 people get off, and 3 get on. 
You then arrive at Philadelphia Station. Without going back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!!! Don’t you remember your own age?!? It was YOU, driving the bus!!!

If you pass this along to your friends, pray that they do better than you.

P.S.: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!!

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.  The pro asked, “Did you guys have a good game today?”  The first old guy said, “Yes, I had three riders today.”  The second old guy said, “I had the most riders ever.  I had five.”  The third old guy said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.”  The last old man said, “I beat my old record.  I had 12 riders today.”

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said,  “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?” The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”

___________________________

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting?” “Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you. “Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly. “No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

___________________________

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, “You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?” Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered.”

___________________________

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?” The young man says, “An 8-iron, father. How about you?” The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.” The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, “I don’t know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”

___________________________

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?” “Yes” says the woman. “Did you hit him with that golf club? “Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. “How many times did you hit him?” “I don’t know — put me down for a five.”

___________________________

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.  As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, “Are you a good golfer?” The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?

_________________________

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?” He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

Thank GOD there’s a name for this disorder. Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first…But then I think,

Since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Diet Coke I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Diet Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Diet Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Diet Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to

Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: The car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of

Diet Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don’t have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail…

Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember who I’ve sent it to. Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!

P.S.I don’t remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I’m sorry

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?  That’s your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks… all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ If you think you might be crazy, you’re not; because crazy people don’t think they are crazy.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a D-cup bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ My 65 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, the chances are excellent that your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because almost nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk ALL the time.

Here is another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What’s the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here’s her story in her own words: “While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in ‘The Villages’ with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.”

“If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband’s knee cap was all it took.  The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible, and his life insurance was a real big bonus!”

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind and asks…..

Student: “Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?”

Professor: “Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be a professor, would I?”

Student: “OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can’t give me the correct answer, however, you’ll have to give me an “A”.

Professor: “Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?”

Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can’t crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student’s failing mark into an “A” as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

To the professor’s surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

“All right” says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer

“It’s quite easy, sir” says the student “You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife’s lover failed his exam but you’ve just given him an “A”, which is neither legal, nor logical.”

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Gentleman Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a… while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’ The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2 The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’ The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

His funeral is this weekend. Know anyone looking for an old Seeing Eye dog?