I was drinking at a bar so i took a bus home.  That may not seem like a big deal to you, but i’ve never driven a bus before.

I thought getting older would take longer.

A wise man once said nothing.

Respect your elders; they graduated from school without the internet.

I’ve decided i’m not old; i’m 25 plus shipping and handling.

Why do i have to press “1” for english?  Did america move?

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Instead of “single” as a marital status i prefer “independently owned and operated”.

Patience:  what you have when there are too many witnesses.

Vegetarian:  ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can’t hunt, fish or light fires!

I look at people and sometimes think…”really?  That’s the sperm that won?”

In my defense i was left unsupervised.

My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.

Some things are just better left unsaid.  And i usually realize it right after i say them.

Camping:  where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

If my body is ever found on a jogging trail just know that i was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.

If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?