I was drinking at a bar so i took a bus home. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but i’ve never driven a bus before.
I thought getting older would take longer.
A wise man once said nothing.
Respect your elders; they graduated from school without the internet.
I’ve decided i’m not old; i’m 25 plus shipping and handling.
Why do i have to press “1” for english? Did america move?
Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
Instead of “single” as a marital status i prefer “independently owned and operated”.
Patience: what you have when there are too many witnesses.
Vegetarian: ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can’t hunt, fish or light fires!
I look at people and sometimes think…”really? That’s the sperm that won?”
In my defense i was left unsupervised.
My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.
Some things are just better left unsaid. And i usually realize it right after i say them.
Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
If my body is ever found on a jogging trail just know that i was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.
If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?