Month: May 2020
Day Brightener – Golf And Life
The MAIN problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
During the life boat drill, a man has used his wife’s life jacket for his golf clubs.
‘How sweet, he’s smiling. He must be dreaming about me.’
Day Brightener – Six Little Stories – Life Is A Gift, Freedom A Responsibility
{1} Once all villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer, the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella.
That’s FAITH.
{2} When you throw babies in the air, they laugh because they know you will catch them.
That’s TRUST.
{3} Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the next morning, but still, we set the alarms to wake up.
That’s HOPE.
{4} We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
That’s CONFIDENCE
{5} We see the world suffering, but still, we get married and have children
That’s LOVE.
{6} On an old man’s shirt was written a sentence ‘I am not 80 years old; I am sweet 16 with 64 years of experience.’
That’s ATTITUDE.
Have a happy day and live your life like the six stories. When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s like a mini-vacation.
Day Brightener – Isolation! And The Attendant Cabin Fever
I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.
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Ontario has banned groups larger than 5. If you’re a family of 6, you’re all about to find out who’s the least favorite!
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The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to return to a society where pants and bras are required! Happy hour is starting earlier and earlier. If this keeps up, I’ll be pouring wine in my cereal!
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Today’s Weather? Room temperature
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30 Days Hath September, April, June, and November All the rest have 31 … except March which had 8000
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Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly. Now weeds legal and schools closed … damn kids are livin’ the dream!
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This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out as a rum & coke!
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If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock”, don’t open it. It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home
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After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside. I immediately ran to the window and started yelling at them. Now I understand dogs.
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Day 8 of social isolation and it’s looking like Vegas in my house: We’re losing money by the minute. Cocktails are acceptable at any hour. Nobody knows what time it is.
Day Brightener – Words Of Wisdom And Something For Everyone
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, You should have remained a virgin…’- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter.
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ – Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. – Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe – Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. – Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. – Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can’t buy you happiness…But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. – Joe Namath
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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. – Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. – W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. – Will Rogers
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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. – Winston Churchill
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. – Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. – Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist’s diet: – If it tastes good, spit it out.
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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.
Friday Frivolity – Most Of Our Generation Of 60+ Were HOME SCHOOLED In Many Ways.
1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3.My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4.My father taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7.My father taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10.My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11.My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
13.My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”
14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
“Stop acting like your father!”
15.My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
“Just wait until we get home.”
17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
“You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19.My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20.My father taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
“You’re just like your father.”
23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24.My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”rmb
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”rmb
25.My father taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
While the over 60 crowd will be able to identify with these statements, many of the younger ones will not believe we were told these “EXACT” words by our parents…
Day Brightener – Puns for Educated Minds
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.- I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
- A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
- The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
- If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
- A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
- Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says,’Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
- There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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