Respect your elders. They graduated from school without the internet.

I’ve decided I’m not old, I’m 45 — plus shipping and handling.

Why do i have to press “1” for English? Did America move?

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Let’s stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free.

Vegetarian: ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can’t hunt, fish, or light fires!

I look at people and sometimes think “really? — that’s the sperm that won?”

In my defense i was left unsupervised.

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.

My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.

Some things are just better left unsaid — and i usually realize it right after i say them.

We owe illegals nothing — we owe our veterans everything.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

I thought getting old would take longer.

A wise man once said ……… Nothing.