We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight. – Milton Berle

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six. – Yogi Berra

I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four. -Yogi Berra

He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious. – Yogi Berra

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. – Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. – Rodney Dangerfield

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag. – Phyllis Diller

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. – Henny Youngman

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. – Red Skelton

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable. – Jackie Gleason

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. – Robin Williams

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. – George Burns