Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks … but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental  patient.

I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the King went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.

The King was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.” So the King hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture. Over coffee, the Greek says: “Well, we built the Parthenon.” The Italian replies “We built the Coliseum.”

The Greek retorts “We Greeks gave birth to mathematics.” The Italian, nodding, says: “But we built the Roman Empire.”

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says: “We invented sex!”

The Italian replies: “That is true, but it was the Italians who included women.”

NOW THAT’S ITALIAN!

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl)  came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.

She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.” I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen.” She said, “I sure do.” I said, “ Well, you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing.

My dental surgery is on Monday.

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a gold screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was really tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled! The next day he took all of his life’s savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a solid gold screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . . and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is: “Don’t screw around with things you don’t understand — you could lose your ass”.

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?”

The Captain replied, “If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid.” All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man’s man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants.”

 

A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

UP

Read until the end … you’ll laugh.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n]  or [v].

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in  the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?  We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and fix UP the old  car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning.   People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.  In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, the earth soaks it UP.  When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP.  One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at  night?

U    P   ! 

Did that one crack you UP?

Don’t screw UP.  Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book, or not . . . it’s UP to you.

Now I’ll shut  UP!

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ‘ You may use the ladies room if you promise not  to touch any of the buttons on the wall.’ He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR..

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

‘What happened?’ he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was  pushing the ATR button.

‘The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

Your penis is under your pillow.’

One day, while an elderly golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard, his club fell into the water.When he cried out in anguish, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

When he cried out in anguish, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”The golfer replied that his club had fallen into

The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.

Again, the golfer replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the golfer’s honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later on, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, when she fell in. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. “Is this your woman?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the golfer.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The golfer replied, “Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that’s why I said yes to Kate Upton.”

And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is:  If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!

That is the truth!

• As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but annoying everyone is a piece of cake.
• I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
• Common sense is like deodorant.  The people who need it the most never use it.
• My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.
• It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.
• I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
• As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I’m sure of one thing:  It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
• Me, sobbing: “I can’t see you anymore. . ..  I’m not going to let you hurt me again.” My Trainer: “It was one sit-up.”
• As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy.  The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
• I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
• If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
• Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
• I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently.  I have new ideas.
• God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.  Then he made the earth round. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed.
• I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
• I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
• My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
• Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
• Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.
• She says I keep pushing her buttons.  If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
• So, you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChicken’s all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it.  Are you kidding me?
• Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.
• There is no such thing as a grouchy old person.  The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest