There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.  ~  Oscar Levant

All generalizations are false, including this one.  ~  Mark Twain

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. ~ Elayne Boosler

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don’t eat bagels and M&M’s in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, ‘I don’t have these recipes.’ ~ Elayne Boosler

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. ~ Elayne Boosler

Only two groups of people intimidate me absolutely: salespeople and the French. ~ Bette Midler

It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales. ~ Milton Berle

Would be cool to wake up one day and there’s just a huge, new, unexpected bit of incredibly good news. ~ Chris Hayes

I want it all – and I would like it delivered. ~ Better Midler

Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don’t even have a word for ‘male bimbo.’ Except maybe ‘senator. ~ Elayne Boosler

People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math. ~ Elayne Boosler

There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard. ~ Dan Florence

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.  ~  Mae West

No matter how bad things get, it’s impossible not to love someone who made you toast. Once you’ve been through that crusty surface to the soft underneath and tasted the warm, salty butter you’ll last forever. ~ Nigel Slater

The true business of the philosopher, though not flattering to his vanity, is merely to ascertain, arrange and condense the facts. ~ John Leslie

During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true vacation paradise, offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey. ~ Dave Barry

BTW – Elayne Booster is comedian, writer, actress, activist, philanthropist.

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild

Since he was a Chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.  When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the Winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the Winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.  He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming Winter going to be cold?’

‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold Winter?’

‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold Winter.’

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?’

‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest Winters we’ve ever seen.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting a heck of a lot of firewood’.

Number:10
Golfer:    “I think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”
Caddy:    “Think you can keep your head down that long?”

Number: 9
Golfer:    “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy:    “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Number: 8
Golfer:    “Do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy:    “Yes . . . You miss the ball much closer now.”

Number: 7
Golfer:    “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”
Caddy:    “Eventually.”

Number: 6
Golfer:    “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”
Caddy:    “I don’t think so . . .That would be too much of a coincidence.”

Number: 5
Golfer:    “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”
Caddy:    “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”

Number: 4
Golfer:    “How do you like my game?”
Caddy:    “It’s very good – personally, I prefer golf.”

Number: 3
Golfer:    “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy:    “The way you play, it’s a sin on any day.”

Number: 2
Golfer:    “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”
Caddy:    “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

And the Number: 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer:    “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”
Caddy:    “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”

Bonus
An old favourite . . . About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . .   He finally gives up and asks his long-suffering caddy,

Golfer:    “Can you see any obvious problems ?”
Caddy:    “There’s a piece of s**t on the end of your club.”
Golfer:     He picks his club up and cleans the club face.
Caddy:    ” . . . other end.”

Every time I say I’m giving up this game for bowling I guess I just have to read this! 

It’s the smell of fresh cut grass.

It’s the way the first tee feels, alive with possibility.

It’s that feeling, out of nowhere, that comes as you’re lining up a putt, letting you know that all you have to do is get the ball rolling and the hole got in the way

It’s the thump of a well-played bunker shot.

It’s nine holes late in the day, when the sun is sinking and the shadows  are stretching, showing every bump and roll in a golden light that makes you stop and look around.

It’s the Golf Channel on in the corner of the bar.

It’s calling your shot and pulling it off.

It’s the eighth hole at Grandfather, the third at Linville and the 14th at Balsam Mountain, paintings with a flagstick in the middle.

It’s your Saturday morning game, with a little money on the line and no haggling about the teams.

It’s the guys who look like they can’t play a lick then spend their days around par, not needing swing coaches, just having a knack for getting the ball in the hole.

It’s calling your own penalties. 

It’s a kid with his bag slung over his shoulder, cap pulled low, hoofing it down a fairway.

It’s nipping a wedge just right, having it bounce once and cozy up to the hole the way Sergio does it.

It’s a bowl of peanuts and a cold beer at the end of the day, when stories can be embellished, if only a little.

It’s the warm feel of a turtleneck in December, the first greening of the grass in March, the thrill of hitting it a club longer in July and greens as fast as the kitchen floor in October.

It’s the suntan marks left by  your golf socks and shoes.

It’s Harbour Town in April, Quail Hollow in May and Pinehurst (Sea Island) any time.

It’s having the sun behind you and catching a tee shot square, having a moment to admire it as it’s framed against the sky.

It’s the small but sudden thrill of finding a new Titleist,even if you already have a bagful.

It’s the clutch in your throat the first time you see St. Andrews and the never-ending thrill of Amen Corner.

It’s the belief that the magic you’ve found in a new driver will last forever.

It’s the scent of salt air, the faint taste of pine pollen on your lips and the glimpse of a gator in a low country lagoon.

It’s standing over a 5-footer that doesn’t matter to anyone but you and being thankful for the feeling.

It’s Tiger on the tee, Mickelson with a wedge in his hand, Nicklaus on the property.

It’s the little places with pickups in the parking lot, ragged grass, bumpy greens, worn-out golf carts, yellow range balls and a spirit all their own.

It’s the way you practice your swing in the elevator riding down, the way you put an overlapping grip on the rake and the way you see golf holes where others just see fields along the highway.

It’s the way tournament golf feels, even if it’s just a little club event.

It’s the feel of new grips and the shine of new irons.

It’s playing with your father, your brother or your daughter.

It’s listening to David Feherty, Johnny Miller and Nick Faldo explain the game as only they can.

It’s the gentle creak of aging muscles in the evening, a good tired.

It’s a birdie at the 18th to win the press.

It’s having people who understand what’s important, whether it’s renovating a course or reinventing a local tournament. 

It’s going for a par-5 in two, trying to cut a corner and that instant when you wonder if the shot is as good as it looks.

It’s Golf.

And, That Is Why We Play!

I was in the six-item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”

(Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?)

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

“Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.”

They were seated immediately.

——————————————————

The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would “hate” to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.

——————————————————

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

——————————————————

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

——————————————————

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives..”

Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'”

————————————————————

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A minute.”

Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A penny.”

Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

————————————————-

Jake was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.

“Of course, Jake,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” Jake said, “I want you to marry Bert.”

“But I thought you hated Bert,” she said..

With his last breath Jake said, “I do!”

————————————–

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I  have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is going to poison me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s going to poison me.   What should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man.

He says, “I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man said, “Yes” and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: ‘They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!’ she cried. The dispatcher said, ‘Stay calm… An officer is on the way.’ A few minutes later, the officer radios in ‘Disregard.’ He says. ‘She got in the back-seat by mistake.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’ The94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She starts up the stairs and pauses ‘Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood…’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

‘I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!’  Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ ‘No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.’ And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ‘Supersex.’ She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, ‘Supersex…’ He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, ‘I’ll take the soup.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

Now this one is just too Precious…LOL! Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me … I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought And thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

SENIOR DRIVING  As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ‘Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!’ ‘Heck,’ said Herman, ‘It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.’After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, ‘Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!’

Mildred turned to her and said, ‘Oh, crap, am I driving?’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. A young American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant. “Nothing,” the woman answered “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

“Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, ‘1-2-3’ and Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle