Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Yaw know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation.  Only this year I’m gonna do it different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

“I’m takin’ Earlene with me.”

One Tough Hombre

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie. With the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales…

Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, “I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.”

Ben, from Idaho, couldn’t stand to be bested. “That’s nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattlerslid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn’t even get a belly ache.”

Old Jack, the cowboy from North Dakota, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

If you don’t know GOD, don’t make stupid remarks!

A young United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 3 tours of duty in Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform… I’ll give you exactly 15 min.”

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am GOD, I’m still waiting.”

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him clean off the platform. The professor was down & out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,

“What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”

The Marine stood up and calmly replied, “GOD was too busy today protecting America’s soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an idiot. So He sent me.”

The classroom erupted in cheers!

THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING!

“It doesn’t matter which side of the fence you get off on sometimes. What matters most is getting off. You cannot make progress without making decisions.’ – John Rohan

“Life is about choices. Some we regret, some we’re proud of. Some will haunt us forever. The message: we are what we chose to be.” – Graham Browning 

“It’s a shallow life that doesn’t give a person a few scars.” Garrison Keillor

“One’s philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes … and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” – Lou Holtz

“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” 

“A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.” – Mark Twain

“Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.” – Doug Larson

“One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.”- Plato

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers

“The answers I remember longest are the ones that answer questions that I didn’t think of asking.” – Jonathan Kozol

“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” – Lewis Carroll

“Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.” – Denis Whitley

“I never worry about the problem. I worry about the solution.” – Shaquille O’Neal

“All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

“If you think you are too small to make an impact, try spending the night in room with a mosquito “.  African Proverb

“Life doesn’t require that we be the best, only that we try our best.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr. 

“The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer`

“When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.” Viktor E. Frankl

“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please” – Mark Twain

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” Henry David Thoreau

“I never did give anybody hell. I just told them the truth and they thought it was hell.” – Harry S. Truman

“Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man. True nobility lies in being superior to your former self.”  – Ernest Hemingway

‘No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he is not the same Man” – Heraclitus

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” – Lao Tzu

“The path of least resistance is rarely the path of Wisdom.”

A  police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80  miles per hour , sir .” The driver says,  “Gee, officer, I had it on  cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting his wife says:  “Now don’t be silly, dear — you know that this car doesn’t have  cruise control”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

“Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?”

His wife smiles demurely and says,  “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the  illegal  radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

“Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says,  “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine. “

The driver says,  “Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. ”

His wife says,  “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,    “WILL  YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? “

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,  “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am? ”

(You will love this part)

“Only when he’s been drinking!”

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
King David

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still, they stay together.
Sasha Guitry

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question, which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?”
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays’
Red Skelton

‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’
Sam Kinison

‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming. 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Patrick Murray

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’ Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
Anonymous

Send This To All The Guys To Give Them A Good Laugh. And Then To Those Special Ladies With A Great Sense Of Humor.

‘The Villages’ Dating Ads You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in ”The Villages”  Florida newspaper. Who says seniors don’t have a  sense of humor?

FOXY  LADY
Sexy,  fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′). Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

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LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,  fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem.

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SERENITY NOW
I  am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

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WINNING  SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, Corn on the cob and caramel candy.

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BEATLES  OR STONES
I  still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on  Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s  get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

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MEMORIES
I  can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

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MINT CONDITION
Male,  1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.

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AND FINALLY
A  lady in the Villages in Florida (a senior retirement community), was sitting on a bench, near another bench with a gentleman sitting on the bench.  She asked him if he was new to the community and he said: “no, I have owned a condo here for 20 years”. She then said, “I have been here for 15 years and I have never seen you around!”. He then said, “I have been in prison for the last 17 years!”. She was stunned and finally asked him what he had done. He said that he had murdered his first wife! She was stunned again and after a long pause, she said… So you’re SINGLE???

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Do not regret growing old, it is a privilege denied to many.