1. The problem with political jokes is they get elected. —Henry Cate, VII
2. I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. —Adlai Stevenson
3. Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. —Author Unknown
4. George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame the previous administration for his troubles. —Author Unknown
5. If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it. —Mark Twain
6. The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything. —Joseph Stalin
7. Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.—George Carlin
8. 8.The oppressed are allowed once every few years to decide which particular representatives of the oppressing class are to represent and repress them. —Karl Marx
9. There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough US congressmen. —Author Unknown
10. We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice. —Woody Allen
11. If you put your politicians up for sale, as the US does … then someone will buy them — and it won’t be you; you can’t afford them. —Juan Cole
12. Don’t buy a single vote more than necessary. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for a landslide. —Joseph P. Kennedy
13. By the time a man gets to be presidential material, he’s been bought ten times over. —Gore Vidal
14. When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. —J. O’Rourke
15. In a society governed passively by free markets and free elections, organized greed always defeats disorganized democracy. —Matt Taibbi
16. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem. —George Carlin
17. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. —Winston Churchill
18. Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that “my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge. —Isaac Asimov
19. Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half. —Gore Vidal
20. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election. —Bill Vaughan
21. If pigs could vote, the man with the slop bucket would be elected swineherd every time, no matter how much slaughtering he did on the side. —Orson Scott Card
22. A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman thinks of the next generation. —James Freeman Clarke

One word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, and preposition:  UP

This two-letter English word has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?  We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning.   People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:  A drain must be opened because it is stopped UP.

We open a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.   In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.  It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, the earth soaks it UP.  When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP.  One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing:  What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

UP
Did that one crack you UP?

A passenger in a taxi reached forward and gently tapped the driver on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, nearly veered into the ditch and came to a stop just short of a building.

The shaking driver said are you OK? I am so sorry, you scared the daylights out of me.

The badly shaken passenger said “I’m sorry, I did not realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone that much.

The driver said “No No it is me that is sorry. It is entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab, I spent 25 years driving a hearse.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that; 1) You have to be single and 2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!
******

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?'” Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
******

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv.  What’s the secret?” Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.”
******

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription …. Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough!
******

A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.
******

There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married and wonder what happened!
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Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
******

Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: “Because Women don’t have a wife!”
******

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, don’t teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!
******

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT – what he really means is that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet.
******

A lady says to her doctor: “My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?” The doctor replies: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake! “

THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday school.

So, they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there. One little boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?”

Sure,” said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, “You are now baptized!”

When they got outside, one of them asked, “‘What religion do you think we are?”

The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.”

“We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.” “We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.”

The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water?”

They all joined in asking, ‘Yeah! What do you think that means?’

“I think it means we’re Pisskopailians!”

1. These greens are so fast that all I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ PGA Hall of Famer Sam Snead
2. I was three over today: One over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool. ~ Baseball Hall of Famer George Brett
3. Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Sports Writer Jim Murray*
4. The only sure rule in golf is – he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. ~ Baseball Hall of Famer Mickey Mantle
5. Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you’re not good at them. ~ Actor Kevin Costner
6. I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par. ~ PGA Golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez
7. After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ PGA Golfer Chi Chi Rodriguez
8. The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Tom Weiskopf
9. Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Football QB Dan Marino
10. My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson
11. Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny
12. There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan
13. Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you’re the best. ~ Jack Nicklaus
14. The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf. It’s almost a law. ~ H. G. Wells
15. I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham
16. If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf. ~ Bob Hope
17. While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake in a sand trap. ~ Henny Youngman
18. If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon
19. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husband’s work. ~ Lee Trevino
20. I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced. ~ Lee Trevino

 

Retirement.  sunshine, convertible.  what else do we need?
DON’T LAUGH, THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.Biker and His Babe……

This is what happens when your kids take away your car keys!!!!!

Finding Serenity – A Classic
This is a little deep for me, but some of you will be able to adapt the concept and achieve your own inner peace…