I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there’s a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. I say to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.” He replies: “Get out, you moron, you’re on my side!”

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Top of the mornin’ toyer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick, ‘hello’ and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What be those?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on this God’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving,” says Tiger.

“Fookin Jaysus,” says the Irishman, “Mercedes think of everything!”

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

‘Fred,’ he replies.

‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.

‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The Elders met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopal Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue, but it’s rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel on their property since.

Today is Memorial Day.  So many of our own never made it home…..

ALL SHOULD REMEMBER……

In alphabetical order:

1. The American Cemetery at Aisne-Marne, France.. A total of 2289 2. The American Cemetery at Ardennes, Belgium… A total of 5329 

3. The American Cemetery at Brittany, France… A total of 4410 4. Brookwood, England – American Cemetery… A total of 468 5. Cambridge, England… A total of 3812 6. Epinal, France – American Cemetery.. A total of 5525 7. Flanders Field, Belgium… A total of 368 8. Florence, Italy… A total of 4402 9. Henri-Chapelle, Belgium… A total of 7992 10. Lorraine , France… A total of 10,489 11 .Luxembourg, Luxembourg… A total of 5076 12. Meuse-Argonne.. A total of 14246 13 .Netherlands, Netherlands… A total of 8301 14. Normandy, France… A total of 9387 15. Oise-Aisne, France… A total of 6012 16. Rhone, France… A total of 861 17. Sicily, Italy… A total of 7861 18. Somme, France… A total of 1844 19. St. Mihiel, France… A total of 4153 20. Suresnes, France… A total of 1541 

Apologize to no one!…

Remind those of our sacrifice and don’t Confuse arrogance with leadership.

The count is 104,366 Dead, brave Americans!

HOW MANY FRENCH, DUTCH, ITALIANS, BELGIANS AND BRITS ARE BURIED ON OUR SOIL… AFTER DEFENDING US AGAINST OUR ENEMIES?
WE DON’T ASK FOR PRAISE…BUT WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE!

Americans, forward it!
Non-patriotic, delete it!
Most of the protected don’t understand it.

DO THINK ABOUT THIS.
THANK YOU….

To some, this should bring back some memories of travel a long  time ago when 2 lane roads were boring!!!!

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, Here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930’s and ’40’s. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers’ fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each contain 1 line of a 4 line couplet…… And the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

DON’T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
TRAINS DON’T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER’S LAP
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET’S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET’S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN’T IT?
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN’
HE’S JUST HOPIN’
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT’S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER’S CODE
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
HE SAW THE TRAIN
AND TRIED TO DUCK IT
HE KICKED THE GAS
AND THEN THE BUCKET !!
Do these bring back any old memories ? If not, you’re merely young!!! If they do – then you’re old as dirt. LIKE ME! Have a great day!

Here’s one more I remember that was near Jefferson City, MO on 50 highway.

A MAN  A MISS
A CAR  A CURVE
HE KISSED THE MISS
AND MISSED THE CURVE

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

“Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The old man didn’t budge.

The usher became more impatient.

“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, “All right, buddy, what’s your name?”

“Fred,” the old man moaned.

“Where you from, Fred?” asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain and pain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied…………..”the balcony!”

The Ocean – ALL you need to know!!!

1 – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2 – Oyster’s balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3 – If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4 – Sharks are ugly and mean and have big teeth just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5 – A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.  (Billy, age 8)

6 – My uncle goes out in his boat with two other men and a woman and some pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7 – When ships had sails they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8 – Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9 – I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10 – Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11 – When you go swimming in the ocean it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12 – Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13 – On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat @ss. (Julie, age 7)

14 – The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)

15 – My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

If you didn’t smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humor.

Morris’ wife Rachel came home early and found Morris in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Rachel was upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a get (Jewish divorce) right away!’

Morris replied, ‘Hang on just a minute Rachel so at least I can tell you what happened.’ ‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And Morris began — ‘Vell, I vas gettink into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she vas very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the potato latkes I made for you last night, the food you vouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on veight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she vas doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer outfit that I gave you a few years ago, but von’t vear, because you say it’s too tight. I also gave her the sexy underwear that vas your anniversary present, which you don’t vear because you said I have lousy taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Chanukah that you don’t vear, just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t vear because someone at work has the same pair.’ Morris took a quick breath and continued – ‘She vas so grateful for my understanding and help that as I valked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please, mister, do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’