The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

A father had 3 sons. When he sent them to college, he told them, “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”

And so, it happened. His sons became a doctor, a financial planner and a lawyer, each successful financially.

When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Next, the financial planner placed $1,000 there in 20 crisp $50 bills.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn. He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father’s coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

The lawyer is now in Congress, probably in your district.

 

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front? 

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke? 

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters? 

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage? 

E VER WONDER… Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? 

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed? 

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do ‘practice’? 

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons? 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food? 

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?? 

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? 

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to smile.

Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. 
I paid my $2. 
And he says, once upon a time there was this lobster…. 

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce

“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz

“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers 

“Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill 

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson   

“My favourite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry 

“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.” – Edward Abbey 

“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips 

“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns

“Too Many birthdays is a major cause of death” – Yogi Berra

And my favorite

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

While this may or may not be verbatim true, any of us that have traveled a lot can certainly identify a circumstance like this and a airline agent that handled it well.

This happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped

his ticket on the counter and said: – “I HAVE to be on this flight, and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied: “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear: “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention, please?” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14.”

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said: “F*** You!”

Without flinching, she smiled and said:  “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer
 approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually
 played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, “We’re
 about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?”
 The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting
 his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and
 liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
 you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
 The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
 donation, and if you want to bring your mother and father along, 
I’ll marry them.”

A single man had just finished a nice meal at a first class restaurant. The waitress brought him his check. The diner left the amount of the check plus a 3 penny tip. The waitress looked at the miserly tip and commented “I can tell you three things about you from the tip.” The man asked what that might be?” The waitress responded; “One, your are a bachelor.” “Right” replied the man. “Second the waitress said you are quite well to do”. “Right again” the man replied. “And third your father was a bachelor also”.