They’re Back!  Those wonderful Church Bulletins!  Thank God for the church ladies with computers.  These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water’. The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up —

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours’.

Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.  “Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.  She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair.

She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said: “Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”  

So, the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,”Do you shave?” “No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?” “Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.  Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, “Did you see it?” “Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.” “Why ever are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often enough before.”

“I know,” he said, “but the darts team hadn’t!”

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says:  “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him.  And one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk. We couldn’t agree on the Syndrome you might have…. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man (a retired M.D.) said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you 2 fine medical students think.” 

The 1st student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.” The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.” 

The 2nd student said, “I think its Zovitzki Syndrome.”  The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

So, they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”  

The old man said, “Well, I thought it was GAS – but I was wrong, too!”

I Nearly Became A Doctor!!!  When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,

so, I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today. 

The rest are in Congress.