David Feherty does a standup show that is quite spectacular. It’s all about his life in golf, the drinking and lots of stories about life on the tour. Here’s one of his stories.

It was back in the 70s and a very prominent golfer of the time was playing at Augusta for his first Masters…back then the players could not bring their own caddies but had to use one of the locals. This particular golfer told the caddy master he wanted a big fellow who could handle his bag but who also would keep quiet, no advice needed. He was assigned Floyd who said ” hello Mr. ………..”. The golfer said ” hello ” and ” that’s the last I want to hear.”

Everything went well until the 10th hole when the golfer pushed his drive into the right trees on the par 4…after surveying the scene he said out loud….”I’m going to hit a low fade out through that opening to carry and land mid green and roll over the crest down near the hole”.  Surprisingly he pulled it off exactly and turned to his caddy and said ” how’s that? “

The caddy spoke for the first time and said ” that wasn’t your ball.” 

Tomorrow is the National Home school Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give them the ‘all clear’. You’re welcome!

I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing

2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

You think it’s bad now? In 20 years, our country will be run by people home schooled by day drinkers…

This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!

Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???

I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

Me:  Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?

Alexa:   It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.

Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions. 

I swear my fridge just said, “what the hell do you want now?”

When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?

Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

His dizzy aunt…Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes…Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store…Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia…U Gogh

His magician uncle. Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin…A Mee Gogh

The nephew who drove a stagecoach…Wells-Far Gogh

The constipated uncle… Can’t Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt… Tan Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking…Way To Gogh

The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh

A sister who travels the country in an RV… Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling…There ya Gogh!

Honk if you love peace and quiet!

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade!

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape

 Do you think illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye…

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.,” she said… “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl.. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another.. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS,  ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR HECK, SEND IT TO EVERYONE. IT WILL MAKE THEIR DAY!