I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.

A man tried to sell me a coffin ⚰️ today.  I told him, “that’s the last thing I need!”

The neighborhood barber💈just got arrested for selling drugs. We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.

100 years ago, everyone had a horse 🐴 and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses 🐎! Oh, how the stables have turned.

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.” “Shhh,” I said “There’s nothing to confess. Everything is alright.” “No, I must die in peace,” he said, “I had sex with your sister, your best friend, and your co-worker.”   “I know” I whispered, “That’s why I poisoned you… Now close your eyes.”

& Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the high-end steakhouse market?  It was just a Big 🍔 McSteak.

As I have grown older: I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

On Lance Armstrong: I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.

Drive By: A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!

The Agony of Aging: On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.

VIDEO SCAM: Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”. Turns out it’s all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute: Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?” “Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?”

And finally one from Jim

“I’m not going to
 cite you,” said the officer. “I just wanted to 
 warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is
 broken and 
 it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee,” replied the Amish lady. “I 
 shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return
 home.”

“Also,” 
 said the officer, “I noticed one of your horse’s
 reins is wrapped around his 
 testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to
 animals so you should 
 have your husband check that too.”

“Again I thank thee. I shall have my 
 husband check this when I get home.”

True to her word, when the Amish 
 lady got home, she told her husband about the broken
 reflector.
 
 He 
 said he would put a new one on immediately.
 
 “Also,” said the Amish woman, 
 “The policeman said there was something wrong with the
 emergency 
 brake.”

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloomin’ well pouring with rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! “God loves drunk people too you know.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.