How to avoid a speeding ticket!

Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the King went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.

The King was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.” So the King hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

If you’re bored this weekend…and we assume you might be, you can memorize pi to 1,000 decimal places.

3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679821480865132823066470938446095505822317253594081284811174502841027019385211055596446229489549303819644288109756659334461284756482337867831652712019091456485669234603486104543266482133936072602491412737245870066063155881748815209209628292540917153643678925903600113305305488204665213841469519415116094330572703657595919530921861173819326117931051185480744623799627495673518857527248912279381830119491298336733624406566430860213949463952247371907021798609437027705392171762931767523846748184676694051320005681271452635608277857713427577896091736371787214684409012249534301465495853710507922796892589235420199561121290219608640344181598136297747713099605187072113499999983729780499510597317328160963185950244594553469083026425223082533446850352619311881710100031378387528865875332083814206171776691473035982534904287554687311595628638823537875937519577818577805321712268066130019278766111959092164201989

Of all the places to be quarantined, a brothel in Valencia, Spain, might not be the worst.

You’ve got booze, you’ve likely got a small buffet of fried foods and you’ve got entertainment.

That was exactly the case a day ago when authorities found that a woman working at the “La Selva Negra” brothel had tested positive for coronavirus. The findings forced authorities to quarantine the premises and the 86 customers that were inside.

The employee, who is now in the hospital, had “slept with several clients that same night,” according to a translated blog post on the story.

In addition to the customers, the club’s owners, waitresses, security and cleaning crew were also quarantined. When added to the total of 86 customers, it makes 119 people under quarantine.

They have been asked to “keep calm” and to just “live a normal life” inside the premises.

That may be easier for some of the patrons than they’d like to admit.

And for all those guys who told their wives they were going to a wine tasting with their buddies and instead went to the brothel, the news may be worse than coronavirus.

Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expired in a concise and witty manner.

They said that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble…..but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Isn’t it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a bit like algebra, have you try ever looked at your X and wonder Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you fall in love with someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that!

Money talks… But all mine ever says is good-bye.

You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Now, don’t you feel better knowing what a aphorism is?

I think I’m going to lose my driver’s license… and all just because of a stupid police officer…The conversation went like this when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: “License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!”

Me: “I assure you; I did not drink anything.”

Officer: “Ok, let’s do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?”

Me: “A car.”

Officer: “Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?”

Me: “I have no idea!”

Officer: “So, you’re drunk.”

Me: “But I didn’t drink anything.”

Officer:  “Okay, one more test — Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?

Me: “A motorcycle.”

Officer: “Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?”

Me: “I have no idea!”

Officer: “As I suspected, you’re drunk!”

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter-question.

Me: “So…, counter-question — You’re driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?”

Officer: “A prostitute of course.”

Me: “Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?”

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date coming right up…