Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known.  Some of his sayings:

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
   1. The ones that learn by reading.
   2. The few who learn by observation.
   3. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
    1. The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

About Growing Older…

First – Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second – The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third – Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.

Fourth – When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth – You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth – I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh – One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.

Eighth – One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth – Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable and relaxed.

Tenth – Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today it’s called golf.

And, finally If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years… Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends, but just e-mail it to them.!!!

“$5.37!” That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me  . “Only $4.68 ” he said cheerfully

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind?  As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.  Old? Me? I’ll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,     like Icould be that easily distracted! What am I now?  A toddler? “Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, eh?” I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind! “Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!” I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That’s when I noticed the purple beads    hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no     purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus: The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba  , I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!  My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.  All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”

All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here”? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Elmo had no clue.

I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained,  “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.” I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. Yes  , I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home. Pass this on to the other “old fogies” on your list  (so they can have fun laughing, too).

P.S. Save the earth…… It’s the only planet with chocolate  !!!!!

“Sometimes, when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I did not drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, it is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
Babe Ruth

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
Paul Horning

“24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!”
H. L. Mencken

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven.”
George Bernard Shaw

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
Benjamin Franklin

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, But the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
Dave Barry

“Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.”
W. C. Fields

“Remember ‘I’ before ‘E,’ except in Budweiser.”
Professor Irwin Corey

“To some it is a six-pack. To me, it is a Support Group. Salvation in a can.”
Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers , a TV Sitcom, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: “Well, ya see, Normmy, it’s like this .. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers!”

Avocados
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had avocados.” Note: If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

Water in the Carburetor
WIFE: “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ”
WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?
WIFE: “In the pool”.

The Phone.
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. “Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?” Meg replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though…” “What’s that, sweetie?” asked her husband. “How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”

He Must Pay…
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.” Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

Today’s Short Reading from the Bible…
From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.” Then he made the earth round… and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded.  “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, “That’s okay.  It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.”

If you are male and over 60 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer’s Test. How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S

Answers:

1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong…didn’t you?  The good news is: You do NOT have Alzheimer’s.  You are simply a pervert.

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a gold screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was really tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled! The next day he took all of his life’s savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a solid gold screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . . and his butt fell off.

The moral to this is: “Don’t screw around with things you don’t understand — you could lose your ass”.

About a week ago , I thought that my iPhone X was bent in that it appeared higher in the middle. A quick trip to the Verizon store and they reminded me that the iPhone X has a glass back and does not bend. They checked and determined that the battery was swelling and that is not good. As I did not have a Verizon insurance plan my options at Verizon were not that good. Pay the remaining balance on my existing phone, not that much, and purchase a new iPhone XS and start a new 2-year plan. I declined, left the store and called Apple.

The Apple technician deduced that my battery had to be replaced and the cost would be $69.00. I could do a mail in repair, same cost plus delivery charges, or take in to an Apple Store or authorized service center. As I did not want to be without a phone for a few days, I opted for the other option. From here in Alexandria Minnesota the nearest Apple Store is at the Ridgedale Center In Minnetonka – a 120 miles away. In a recent announcement from Apple, the Best Buy Store in St. Cloud, along with another 1,000 Best Buy locations, is now an authorized Apple service center and only 70 miles away which sounded like a better option. A call to the Geek Squad at the store poured cold water on that option. He said they had little experience and his take was that what the Apple Store could do in 30 minutes could well take them a couple of hours. Plus, he said, if there was more than just a battery replacement the Apple Store would have more capabilities. (Turned out he was quite right.) Logon to Apple.com and make a Genius Bar appointment at the Apple Store in Minnetonka for the next day.

I arrive at the Apple Store a little early but they work me in in about 30 minutes. The technician asks about the problem, looks at my phone, did a little testing and says they will replace the phone at no cost. He literally had ordered up the replacement phone before he told me the phone would be replaced as it arrived at about the same time. Turns out, they do not replace batteries when they expand, only when they are depleted. The phone is built to contain leaking issues and when there are issues with swelled or expanded batteries that might put their technicians at risk, they do not open the the phone to replace the battery. So in short order I walked out of the store with a new iPhone X.

So, once again, Apple proved to me why I love them and their products. By-the-way, this phone was 20 months old. In very rapid succession, I went from an expensive solution, through a minor expense to a top-notch no cost resolution. One could certainly wonder why the staff at the Verizon store did not mention either the Apple battery or phone replacement possibilities. Maybe not in their best interests or they just didn’t know?