My wife has these days when she wants “us to talk about things”. We were discussing aspects of our future so when it was my turn I asked her   “What will you do if I die before you do?”

After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then she asked me, “What will you do if I die first?”

I replied, “Probably the same thing.”

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house, a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach”

The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick.” As they left, the younger doctor remarked, “You didn’t even examine that woman!” and then asked, “How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”

“Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what has probably been making her sick.” The younger doctor replied, “Pretty clever! If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”  “You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church.” Then he asked, “But how did you arrive at it?” “I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.”

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull…

But that’s not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it’s especially hard to see things up close.  My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here’s the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,  either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires !

MEMORIES

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to ‘sprinkle’ clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

• Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
• Ignition switches on the dashboard.
• Starter on the floorboard.
• Only one brake light on the left rear.
• Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
• Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
• Using hand signals for cars without turn signals .

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, NOT the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Candy cigarettes.
2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephones
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels. If you had a TV!!
7. Pea-shooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10. 8 rpm records
11. Hi-fi records 33 1/3 rpm
12. Metal ice trays with lever
13. Blue flashbulb
14. Cork popguns
15. Studebakers
16. Wash tub wringers
17. Little wax bottles with sweet liquid
18. Aluminum foil on the rabbit ears.

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don’t tell your age, &
If you remembered 11-16     =     You’re older than dirt!!!     THAT’S ME!!!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life .
Don’t forget to pass this along! Especially to all your really OLD friends

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old. Well . . . You’ll love this one:

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50 years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended morgan park high school.

‘Yes. Yes, i did. I’m a mustang,’ he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate?’ I asked.

He answered, ‘in 1965. Why do you ask?’

You were in my class! ‘, I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit  son-of-a-bitch asked…..’what did you teach???

WHY
Why do men’s clothes have buttons on the right while women’s clothes have buttons on the left?

BECAUSE
When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid’s right! And that’s where women’s buttons have remained since.

WHY
Why do ships and aircraft use ‘mayday’ as their call for help?

BECAUSE
This comes from the French word m’aidez -meaning ‘help me’ — and is pronounced, approximately, ‘mayday.’

WHY
Why are zero scores in tennis called ‘love’?

BECAUSE
In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called ‘l’oeuf,’ which is French for ‘the egg.’ When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (mis)pronounced it ‘love.’

WHY
Why do X’s at the end of a letter signify kisses?

BECAUSE
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.

WHY
Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called ‘passing the buck’?

BECAUSE
In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would ‘pass the buck’ to the next player.

WHY
Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?

BECAUSE
It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host’s glass with his own.

WHY
Why are people in the public eye said to be ‘in the limelight’?

BECAUSE
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theaters by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light In the theatre, a performer ‘in the limelight’ was the center of attention.

WHY
Why is someone who is feeling great ‘on cloud nine’?

BECAUSE
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.

WHY
In golf, where did the term ‘Caddie’ come from?

BECAUSE
When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game ‘golf.’ He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day’ and the Scots changed it into ‘caddie.’

WHY
Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?

BECAUSE
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called ‘pygg’. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as ‘pygg banks.’ When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, ‘No, not really.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the shit out of me….

Women have always been hard for me to figure out ever since.