1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. – – – for example, it could be the right number. (Think about this one)!!
13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
14. I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print – there’s no way you’re going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
18. Money can’t buy happiness, but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford.
19. After 70, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind, and the ones that mind don’t matter.
21. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.
And REMEMBER….”POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

Live, Laugh, and love!
Life is too short to be anything… but happy.Learn to let go of what you can’t change.
Life is not the way it’s supposed to be It’s the way it is.
The way we cope with it is what makes the difference.
Enjoy Life – – – It has an Expiration Date.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: “Are – My – Test – Results – Back?”

I am a Seenager (Senior teenager).
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 55-60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store I like the wine store best.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared? And I don’t have acne. Life is Good!

Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager. Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age; it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains. Scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.  It is NOT a memory problem; it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise. SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names. So please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too

Mick, Paddy, and Tat are in their local pub having a drink. One of the locals came over to them and asks, “are you three triplets”?

Paddy replies “yes”.

The local asks “well how come you and Mick are six-foot-tall, and Tat is only four foot six?”

Paddy says, “ah you see me and Mick were breast fed, but there was no tit for Tat.”

Every time I say I’m giving up this game for bowling I guess I just have to read this! 

It’s the smell of fresh cut grass.

It’s the way the first tee feels, alive with possibility.

It’s that feeling, out of nowhere, that comes as you’re lining up a putt, letting you know that all you have to do is get the ball rolling and the hole got in the way

It’s the thump of a well-played bunker shot.

It’s nine holes late in the day, when the sun is sinking and the shadows  are stretching, showing every bump and roll in a golden light that makes you stop and look around.

It’s the Golf Channel on in the corner of the bar.

It’s calling your shot and pulling it off.

It’s the eighth hole at Grandfather, the third at Linville and the 14th at Balsam Mountain, paintings with a flagstick in the middle.

It’s your Saturday morning game, with a little money on the line and no haggling about the teams.

It’s the guys who look like they can’t play a lick then spend their days around par, not needing swing coaches, just having a knack for getting the ball in the hole.

It’s calling your own penalties. 

It’s a kid with his bag slung over his shoulder, cap pulled low, hoofing it down a fairway.

It’s nipping a wedge just right, having it bounce once and cozy up to the hole the way Sergio does it.

It’s a bowl of peanuts and a cold beer at the end of the day, when stories can be embellished, if only a little.

It’s the warm feel of a turtleneck in December, the first greening of the grass in March, the thrill of hitting it a club longer in July and greens as fast as the kitchen floor in October.

It’s the suntan marks left by  your golf socks and shoes.

It’s Harbour Town in April, Quail Hollow in May and Pinehurst (Sea Island) any time.

It’s having the sun behind you and catching a tee shot square, having a moment to admire it as it’s framed against the sky.

It’s the small but sudden thrill of finding a new Titleist,even if you already have a bagful.

It’s the clutch in your throat the first time you see St. Andrews and the never-ending thrill of Amen Corner.

It’s the belief that the magic you’ve found in a new driver will last forever.

It’s the scent of salt air, the faint taste of pine pollen on your lips and the glimpse of a gator in a low country lagoon.

It’s standing over a 5-footer that doesn’t matter to anyone but you and being thankful for the feeling.

It’s Tiger on the tee, Mickelson with a wedge in his hand, Nicklaus on the property.

It’s the little places with pickups in the parking lot, ragged grass, bumpy greens, worn-out golf carts, yellow range balls and a spirit all their own.

It’s the way you practice your swing in the elevator riding down, the way you put an overlapping grip on the rake and the way you see golf holes where others just see fields along the highway.

It’s the way tournament golf feels, even if it’s just a little club event.

It’s the feel of new grips and the shine of new irons.

It’s playing with your father, your brother or your daughter.

It’s listening to David Feherty, Johnny Miller and Nick Faldo explain the game as only they can.

It’s the gentle creak of aging muscles in the evening, a good tired.

It’s a birdie at the 18th to win the press.

It’s having people who understand what’s important, whether it’s renovating a course or reinventing a local tournament. 

It’s going for a par-5 in two, trying to cut a corner and that instant when you wonder if the shot is as good as it looks.

It’s Golf.

And, That Is Why We Play!

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
• When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.
• My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test–the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
• There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
• Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
• Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
• I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have mow it.
• I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
• I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
• If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
• Money is the root of all wealth.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I’m so happy, because I live at number   71. So, it’s not too far to walk home afterwards. And it’s the same side of the street. I don’t even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message, “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: “With hurricanes, tornado, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?”
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us….you need to rethink your position.