Phil My Dear husband,

I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you.

I’ve been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and feel I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today, which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV shows. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything else that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your Ex-Wife.

Don’t try to find me. Your brother and I are moving to New Zealand together. Have a great life!

—————————— —————

REPLY:

Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. The reason I watch TV so much is because it drowns out your constant whining and bitching. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hair-do last week, but the 1st thing that came to my mind was ‘You look just like a boy.’ Since my father taught me not to say anything, ‘if you can’t say something nice, etc.,’ I didn’t comment….and when you cooked my “favorite meal,” you must have confused me with MY BROTHER because I haven’t eaten prawns for years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was only a coincidence that my brother had borrowed $300 from me just that morning.

After all this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So, when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday; I left my job and bought 2 tickets for us to Paris…….. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dollar from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Rich As Hell and Free Ex-Husband.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.

I hope this doesn’t present a problem.

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has  spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian  family.”

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face  me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.  Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. Give me an Amen, Brother!!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!” Paddy handed his drink back and said, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!”

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks, “How many people are flying with you?” Paddy replies, “I don’t know! It’s your bloody plane!”

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna have the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, “I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!” Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts, “Paddy you’re mad, go home” So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. “Where the hell are you going?” asks the Foreman. “I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!” says Murphy.

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says, “You know what I want, don’t you?” “Yeah,” says Paddy. “The whole ‘friggin’ bed by the looks of it!”

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. “Be Jeysus!” he said, “I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!”

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says “Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!” Paddy says “What’s his name?” Mick replies “Miles, from London!”

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It appeared that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came ’round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. ‘Grandma,’ he asked, “It’s my 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?” Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled brown eyes and said, “Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit”.

Why Go to Church?
Last Sunday morning a mother went in to wake her son for him to ready himself for church, and she was shocked when he replied, “I’m not going.” “Why not?” she asked. “I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me, and two, I don’t like them.”

His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: – you’re 59 years old, and you’re the pastor!”

The Picnic
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. “This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?” The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely. “The front row, please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired. “No,” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked. “No,” she said. “Good,” he answered.

The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman was nearby, engaged halfway up a telephone pole.

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said. “No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.” “You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.” The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

The Twenty and the One
A well-worn $1 bill and a similarly distressed $20 bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The $20 bill reminisced about its travel all over the country. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the $20 proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”

“Wow!” said the $1 bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!” “So, tell me,” says the $20, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?” The $1 bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church.”

The $20 bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy replied. “Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?” “Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.’ “

Bob comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money; the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear and says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands really good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, ‘What do you think about all this Satan stuff?’

The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad..’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?” The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’

The child thought about this for a moment then said, ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’

The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’

The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, ‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’

He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem..

A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’ Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh. I thought you would enjoy this….times are tough right now…for all of us…so we need something to make the day a happy place.

“They” haven’t found a way to tax you for laughing yet!!

To some, this should bring back some memories of travel a long  time ago when 2 lane roads were boring!!!!

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, Here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930’s and ’40’s. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers’ fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each contain 1 line of a 4 line couplet…… And the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

DON’T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
TRAINS DON’T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER’S LAP
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET’S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET’S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN’T IT?
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN’
HE’S JUST HOPIN’
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT’S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER’S CODE
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
HE SAW THE TRAIN
AND TRIED TO DUCK IT
HE KICKED THE GAS
AND THEN THE BUCKET !!
Do these bring back any old memories ? If not, you’re merely young!!! If they do – then you’re old as dirt. LIKE ME! Have a great day!

Here’s one more I remember that was near Jefferson City, MO on 50 highway.

A MAN  A MISS
A CAR  A CURVE
HE KISSED THE MISS
AND MISSED THE CURVE

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him
straight in the eye and says,

“Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my
place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on… It doesn’t matter to me. I just love it.”

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, “No kidding… I’m in Government too.
Are you federal or state?”

When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. 

The Russians used a pencil. 

Your taxes are due again – enjoy paying them.