A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said ‘ You may use the ladies room if you promise not  to touch any of the buttons on the wall.’ He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR..

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

‘What happened?’ he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was  pushing the ATR button.

‘The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

Your penis is under your pillow.’

Once upon a time, A Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess immediately said, “No!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whisky, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard any bitching and never paid child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns, and ate spam, potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and never got cheated on while he was at work, and he had lots of dogs and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

The End

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes
$50.00

A policeman seeing the sign stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign Or go to jail.Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying

JESUS SAVES

One of the girls asked the officer, “How come you don’t stop them?!”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer smiled “Their sign pertains to religion.”

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter
$50.00

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a Bottle of Wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip had been a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail; until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine … I got it for my husband.’

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,

she said:

‘Good trade.’

$7.00 Sex

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80’s, go to a Sex Therapist’s office. The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’ The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’ The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..’ He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.  The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask.  Just what are you trying to find out?’

The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.  She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.  I’m married, and we can’t go to my house.  The Holiday Inn charges $98.  The Hilton charges $139.  We do it here for $50, and best of all….Medicare pays $43 of it.

#1 – I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#2 – I consider “In Style” to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 – I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

#4 – My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 – The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”

#6 – I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

#7 – These days, “on time” is when I get there.

#8 – Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

#9 – Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10 – Lately, I’ve noticed people my age are so much older than me.

#11 – “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering why I’m there.

#12 – When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

#13 – Some days I have no idea what I’m doing out of bed.

#14 – I thought growing old would take longer.

#15 – Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn’t shut me up.

#16 – I still haven’t learned to act my age.

Three old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. An one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,

“We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man said,

“There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”

One of the old Grandmas said,

“Sure we can! – Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said,

“You’re 87 years old!”

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,

“How in the world did you guess?”

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…

“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”😂😂