An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Gentleman Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a… while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’ The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2 The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’ The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

His funeral is this weekend. Know anyone looking for an old Seeing Eye dog?

A woman was playing golf when she took a 
big swing and fell. The party waiting behind her was a group from the U.S. Congress that included Nancy Pelosi.

Pelosi quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked her and started to leave, when she said, “I’m Nancy Pelosi and I hope you’ll vote for me in the next Federal Election.”

She laughed and quickly said, “I fell on my ass, not my head!”

A wife helps her husband install a new computer.Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember. As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects a password: mypenis

As he hits “enter”, to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!

The computer replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

A friend told the blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year. “
The blonde man replied, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

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Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”

The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: 
”Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.” 

To which the blonde man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”

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A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”

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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. 
”I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
 The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me”. 

The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. 
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”.

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” 

”Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor. 
”No”, he shouts, “This is her husband!”

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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. 
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. 
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
road. The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”

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A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic. 
His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
 He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. 
”What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks. 
”Here boy!” he replies.

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A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
 “Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks. 
”Hanging myself,” the blond replies. 
”It should be around your neck” says the guard. 
”I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe”.

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An Italian tourist asks a blonde 
man: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?” 
To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda vehicle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,”Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?” The cardiologist, a bit surprised with the mechanic’s suggestion, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda’s engine. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $54,000 a year and you make $1.5M when you and I are doing basically the same work? The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic….

“Try doing it with the engine running.”

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?” The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.” The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others as to what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There is nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I like the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, ‘Yes, sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’

‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied.

The receptionist became visibly irritated and said, ‘Oh, my! You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘

‘Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.

The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear, or something like that, and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor…in private.’

The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly, smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’

‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter…

Mess with seniors? You’re going to lose.

Now, I know you’re laughing!

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ‘About 2 hours.’

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’

The barber looked around at the shop and said, ‘About 3 hours.’

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’

The barber looked around the shop and said, ‘About an hour and a half.’

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, ‘Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.’

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, ‘So, where does he go when he leaves?’

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

‘Your house!’

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate. “Hey, bitch,” says the parrot, “Bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!”

The FA looks annoyed but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: “Goddammit, you lazy whore, where’s my whiskey? Hurry it up!”

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot’s drink.

Impressed with the parrot’s technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. “Hey, slut,” says the man, “Get me a dry martini. And don’t drag your sorry ass – I want it right now!”

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle to the ground, the parrot says to the man, “Ya know, for someone who can’t fly, you got a lotta balls.”

I have enjoyed working here these past several years.  You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about.

Despite this I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.  During this time, I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.

Oh yes, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter I can and will do this.

Sincerely,

Every Senator or Congressman running for re-election

Are we stupid or what?