Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboys Quarterback once said : “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”

“Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road.  My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play”– Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

“Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.”– Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver.

“I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.”– Doug Sanders, professional golfer

“All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'”– Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher

“When it’s third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.”– Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver

“I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad I’m having them.”– Tommy LaSorda , L A Dodgers manager

“My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.”– EJ. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations

“My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.” – Vic Braden, tennis instructor

“When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did, but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax’s.”- Tommy John , N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery

“I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.”– Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles.

“We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.” – John Breen, Houston Oilers

“The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons.

When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.” – Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America; Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as ‘HILLBILLIES’ and/or ‘REDNECKS”. You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT  WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’ – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.’
2. She is not ‘EASY’ – She is   ‘HORIZONTALLYACCESSIBLE.’
3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ -She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.’
4. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’ – She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.’
5. She does not ‘NAG’ you – She becomes ‘ VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’
6. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ – She is a ‘ LOW-COST PROVIDER.’

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ – He has developed a ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’
2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ – He is ‘ OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’
3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ – He ‘ INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’
4. He is not ‘BALDING’ – He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’
5. He does not act like a   ‘TOTAL ASS’ – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.’ (Loved this one!)
6. 6. It’s not his   ‘CRACK’   you see hanging out of his pants – It’s ‘TROUSER CLEAVAGE.’ (Loved this one even more!)

The blonde flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”

The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. This is Air Force One…”

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.  He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.  Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 10-foot man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its’ ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.  The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally, the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’

‘No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,’ said Leroy.

The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet..

How about half a million bucks then?’

‘No thanks, I don’t want it,’ answered Leroy.

The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’

Again, Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?’

Leroy said, ‘I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!’

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and
bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his
office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said. “Your wife called, she wants her sign
back!”

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their little ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in the 5th grade.”

“No ma’am he replied, “I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.”

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, while you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care.

I have now done MY part.

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. “You have so much to live for,” he said. “I’m a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD that you’re alive”

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.  That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.

“I have an arrangement with a sailor,” she replied.  “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.”

“I see,” The captain says.

Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”