Over the urial in a Golf Course Men’s Room

Beauty is only a light switch away – Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. – Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. – The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. – Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar & Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry – Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tee, Tucson, AZ

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere – Written in the dust on the back of a bus Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war hell, do both GET MARRIED! – Women’s restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. – Revolution Books New York, NY

If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! – Men’s restroom House of Representatives Washington, DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less – Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ

You’re too good for him – Sign over the mirror in Women’s restroom Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone. – Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA

And perhaps the most realistic one

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. Women’s restroom Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX

• Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
• My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.
• I like long walks, especially when people who annoy me take them.
• The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
• I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
• Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
• The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
• I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years – just getting over the hill.
• We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
• That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends but just e-mail it to them. If you don’t forward this to one of your friends within the next 5 minutes your bellybutton will unscrew and your butt will fall off.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 F degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 F degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off almost immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

There was no way that old man Ford was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, to this day, all Ford air conditioners show —

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max — on the controls.

Control yourself!

This is what happens when you are retired and have too much time on your hands!

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think “The Nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom’s so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a firework stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say, “Cool Whip” on the side.
24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Walmart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my  favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things. 

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.  

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

TRUTHS AND WISDOM OF THE GAME

~BY  THE EXPERTS~

“Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small  boy……..than to fumble THIS football” – John Heisman

“Show me a good and gracious loser…….and I’ll show  you a failure.” – Knute Rockne /Notre Dame

“I make my practices real hard ……..because if  a player is a quitter…..I want him to quit in practice, not in a  game.” – Bear Bryant / Alabama

“It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle…..You can  hear it!” – Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat…….That  costs money and we don’t have any.” – Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.

“Football is only a game. Spiritual things are  eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas.” – Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969  game.

“After you retire, there’s only one big event  left….and I ain’t  ready for that.” – Bobby Bowden / Florida State

“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces  is likely to be the one who dropped it.” – Lou Holtz / Arkansas – Norte Dame

“When you win, nothing hurts.” – Joe Namath / Alabama

“Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not  motivated.” – Lou Holtz / Arkansas – Norte Dame

“If you want to walk the heavenly streets of  gold…you gotta  know the password, Roll, tide, roll!” – Bear Bryant / Alabama

“A school without football is in danger of  deteriorating into a medieval study hall.” – Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

“There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.” – Woody Hayes / Ohio State

“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put  on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an  investigation.” – Bob Devaney / Nebraska

“In Alabama , an atheist is… someone who doesn’t believe in Bear  Bryant.” – Wally Butts / Georgia

“I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only  there for two terms – Truman’s and  Eisenhower’s.” – Alex Karras / Iowa

“My advice to defensive players: Take the  shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad  humor.” – Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar…….except  for my grades.” – Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

“Always remember …..Goliath was a 40 point favorite over  David.” – Shug Jordan / Auburn

“They cut us up like boarding house pie… and that’s real small pieces.” – Darrell Royal / Texas

“They whipped us like a tied up  goat.” – Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the  Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me” and he said “Well,  Walt, we took a look at you and you weren’t any  good.” – Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.” – Bobby Bowden / Florida State

“Football is NOT a contact sport – it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport.” – Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post  game message to his team: “All those who need showers…take  them.” – John McKay / USC

“If lessons are learned in defeat… our team is  getting a great education.” – Murray Warmath / Minnesota

“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and  dumb. To be a back,  you only have to be dumb.” – Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.” – Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

“We live one day at a time and scratch where it  itches.” – Darrell Royal / Texas

“We didn’t tackle well today but we made up for it  by not blocking.” – John McKay / USC

“Three things can happen when you throw the  ball… and two of them are bad .” – Darrell Royal / University of  Texas

“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have  big players.” – Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’ Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front,so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice
but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared…

“ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco”

Wife’s Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary:
A two-foot putt… who  misses a two-foot putt.

Retirement.  sunshine, convertible.  what else do we need?
DON’T LAUGH, THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.Biker and His Babe……

This is what happens when your kids take away your car keys!!!!!

Finding Serenity – A Classic
This is a little deep for me, but some of you will be able to adapt the concept and achieve your own inner peace…

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famously erudite (comic) scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems.

1. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend… But she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever… So far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite: If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?