The Woodpecker Might have to go!

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

Don’t take life so seriously!

DANCE

KISS A LOT!

RELAX IN NATURE
HAVE FUN

AND BE HAPPY!!!!

Make sure you scroll all the way down and read what is written. Today is International Disturbed People’s Day. Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend… Just as I’ve done.

I don’t care if you lick windows,

Take the special bus

Or occasionally pee on yourself.

You hang in there, sunshine, you’re special.

Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a full minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

Today’s Message of the Day is:

Life is short,

Break the rules,

Forgive quickly,

Kiss slowly,

Love truly,

Laugh uncontrollably,

And never regret anything that made you smile.

Send to all the people you care for and don’t want to lose in 2017  even me. If you get 3 back, you are a great friend.

If you can read this, thank a teacher, if you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all-around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.are

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first, she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.” 

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco, and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says: “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife – she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.

Earl spits overboard, takes a long slow sip of beer and says “Better think it over – women like that are hard to find.”

Marine General and Defense Secretary-designate James “Mad Dog” Mattis has a huge bear rug lying in his living room. “The thing is that the bear isn’t dead – he’s just afraid to move.”

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl Game in Houston.  He has a luxury suite reserved at the stadium, plus airline tickets valid from any US airport, a hotel suite, and tickets to attend two pre-game parties.  

However, he somehow failed to realize that the game is scheduled for the same day as his wedding.  So he can’t go.

If you’re interested, and if you’d like to go, instead of him, it’s at St. Peter’s Church, in New York City, at 5:00 pm. Her name is Louise.  She’s 5’4″, about 125 lbs., a good cook and makes $180,000 a year as a stockbroker. She’ll be the one in the white dress.

Let me know if you are interested.

Graham, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex. He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room. 

He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, ‘How am I doing?’ 

The prostitute replies, ‘Well Graham, ya old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.’ 

‘Three knots?’ he asks. ‘ What’s that supposed to mean?’ 

She says, ‘You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.’

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, Confucius Did Not Say. . .”A lion will not cheat on his wife, but Tiger Wood!”

Very rare picture of the planets aligned.

Some of the best sleep I ever got was in a deer blind

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.  The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

 Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily — if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week.”

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn’t it?

The most famous artist for this type of saucy postcards was Donald McGill. He was nearly 80 years old when he was put on trial (1954) under the Obscene Publications Act, found guilty and fined. Today the postcards are worth a fortune.