A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. 

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. 

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.

‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.’ 

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, ‘Watch this.’ 

He told Sniffer to ‘search’.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.

The Policeman said, ‘Good boy’, and he turned to the man and said, ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 

‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man. 

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.

The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’

‘I like it!’ said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again. 

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop on the seat. 

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on?’ 

The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He’s just found a bomb.’

Ten Things To Ponder

Number 10 – Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 – Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6 – Some people are like a Slinky–not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 – Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800, and a substantial tax cut save you $30?

Number 2 – In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 – Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers–what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

– – – and as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age–
it doesn’t last that long.”

I think it was Art Linkletter that said “Kids Say The Darndest Things” and later there was a TV show with Bill Cosby. The items below prove the point.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight, testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )
2. Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3. If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t, have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend anymore. (Kylie, age 6)
5. A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6. My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
   pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
   the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would
   whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been
   better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8. Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful
   and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get
   pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9. I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
   crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
   pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
    give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
    think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age
    7)
11. When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
    my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers
    can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky,
    age 8)
13. On vacation, my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
    going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired
    right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14. The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown
    I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
15. My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
    What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
    (James, age 7)

You are driving down the road in your Corvette  on a wild, stormy night when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect woman you’ve been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS…………………

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: ‘I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.’

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to ‘Think Outside of the Box.’ 

HOWEVER…., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because the Affordable Care Act’s health care won’t pay for her hospital visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends…it will be their laugh for the day.

Crispy Copper Fries – 2014 Darwin Award Nominee  – Confirmed True by Darwin – “Winner of the 2012 Hide And Seek Tournament.”
(19 May 2014, Arizona) The mummified remains of a man discovered in a Tucson manhole tell their own poignant story. In May the manhole was opened to investigate a fluctuation in electrical power. According to records kept by Tucson Electric Power, the manhole had not been opened in the past five years, so the team that entered the underground high-voltage vault was quite surprised to find the desiccated remains of a man slumped near cut copper wires. In his shriveled hand was — can you guess? — a bolt cutter.

Crime pays so little and costs so much. This nominee not only failed and fried but also, nobody noticed, making his death both stupid and sad. An autopsy confirmed the obvious conclusion that electrocution was the likely cause of death. The date of death was set at somewhere between one and two years previous to the discovery. The mummy was carrying ID for a 51-year-old man, and DNA testing is underway to verify the identity of the crispy copper critter.

Her Sleep Number Was Up – 2016 Darwin Award Nominee – Confirmed True by Darwin
(23 September 2016, Virginia) Sidney Zelaya Gonzalez, 20, was pinning a king-size mattress to the top of a van with the weight of her body, intent on claiming the free curbside find, when her luck ran out. Perhaps the young woman was testing a physics theory and betting that friction would keep the two fixed in place. Alas, both of them slipped off the moving vehicle and, unfortunately, one of them did not bounce back.

The young woman was nominated for the notorious Darwin Award when it became apparent that she was suffering from a terminal case of bed-head.

The poor judgment of the dearly departed was confirmed when Prince William police spokesman Nathan Probus stated that the van was driven by an unlicensed driver. Police also shared the opinion that “the women were not trying to pull off some kind of stunt,” which was true enough.

Some Finnish – 2013 Darwin Award Nominee – Confirmed True by Darwin
(13 September 2013, Finland) Two brothers-in-law were united by a common interest that is shared by a small but regrettably significant proportion of the population: collecting war weapons. By the date of their deaths, they had collected over 100 frag grenades, bazookas, fuse materials and ammunition from the forests of Lapland. The men enjoyed collecting the weapons as trophies, yet had no training in the handling and disposal of explosives! One can see how this is all going to end.

Around 6pm On A Friday Night, The 24- And 27-Year-Old Men Were Both In The Garage With Their Antique Weapons Collection. The Older Man Had Finished Defusing A Grenade And Was carefully removing the payload. The object of his attention was not a smAll Hand Grenade But Rather A Large 75-Mm Anti-Tank Grenade, 42 Centimeters (17 Inches) Long! Ironically The Attempt To Render It Harmless resulted in the opposite outcome. In the northern town of Kemi, the peace of the garage was shattered by a small explosion. The man holding the grenade died in the ambulance, and the other survived with serious injuries.

In the aftermath of the explosion 200 people within a 150-meter perimeter surrounding the garage were evacuated to a school, and then dozens of kilograms of explosives were safely removed by the Peräpohjolan Police Department. Evacuees returned to their homes with gratitude for their lives. If more war weapons had been set off in a chain reaction then there would have been victims and damaged buildings up to 300 meters away from the garage!

Man Customizes Car Ignition Sequence To His Peril – 2014 Darwin Award Nominee – Confirmed True by Darwin
(18 February 2014, United Kingdom) Scott McKimmie’s purple Volkswagen Cabriolet would not be considered roadworthy by most people, but to a handy mechanic a flaw can be considered a security feature. Early on Tuesday morning outside The Phoenix pub in Corby, the 39-year-old started the 1998 Cabriolet in his usual unusual way — he put the car in gear and reached beneath the hood (the ‘bonnet’) and touched two wires together to create an ignition spark.

Unfortunately, Scott failed to remember that he had not set the handbrake. To make matters worse he had modified the purple VW to run with a fast idle to prevent stalling. As black wire touched red wire the engine turned over and started, and the car lurched forward and knocked him over. Due to the fast idle the vehicle continued on its merry way, inflicting 36 “separate injuries” on the unfortunate man as — like the Duracell/Energizer bunny — it kept going and going.

As demonstrated in a police investigation video shown to the court, the engine modifications allowed the car to move forward without stalling when it was in first, second or third gear! Coroner Anne Pember recorded a verdict of accidental death with this summary: “It is quite clear that the cause of this tragedy was the unusual starting method Mr. McKimmie used to start his car.”

Delhi Sandwich – 2014 Darwin Award Nominee – Confirmed True by Darwin – India zoo gains a meal, loses a patron...
(23 September 2014, India) Life of Pi move over, Maqsood has a tale to tell. This 19-year-old factory worker joined a White tiger for lunch yesterday in the cat’s Delhi zoo home. After being cautioned twice to not climb over the fence enclosing the tiger enclosure, Maqsood climbed over the fence a third time and then swam across the moat over to Tiger Island.

Never pet a kitty that isn’t yours. The White tiger “went tiger” on the intruder and mauled him to death, subsequently dragging the body around the island for two hours until the animal was finally scared into a cave and the body was retrieved.

Parents of the tiger’s visitor said the boy was mentally ill and addicted to bhang, a preparation of cannabis leaves and seeds that is smoked, chewed, eaten, or infused and drunk to obtain mild euphoria. Yet many normal young men are emotionally troubled and enjoy cannabis–and would be shocked and embarrassed were their parents to refer to them as mentally ill addicts.

In some countries such as the United States of America the animal would have been destroyed to satisfy angry citizens; however, in India, the killer tiger was characterized as acting in line with its nature and the animal will suffer no punishment for the day’s excitement.

Anchorman – 2014 Darwin Award Nominee – Confirmed True by Darwin
(25 May 2014, Georgia) 18-year-old Chance Werner had recently graduated from high school and early on Sunday morning he was at Lake Allatoona celebrating with friends by playing the Shopping Cart Game. Lake Allatoona is a large reservoir created by damming the Etowah River in 1949. The shoreline is lined with vacation rentals and campgrounds, as well as two yacht clubs and a sailing club.

The Shopping Cart Game is evidently popular. News reports state that the cart is usually anchored to a pole or tree at the dock. The cart is poised on the dock, someone climbs in, and friends launch the shopping cart off the dock and into the water. Ha! The soggy rider climbs out of the water, the cart is reeled back in, and the game begins again.

In the wee hours of between Saturday night and Sunday morning–the timing hints at an evening spent partying at the lake–Chance inexplicably decided to be the tree and tie the cart to his belt. Chance took a chance that did not stand a chance! He was dragged into the water and drowned. Several hours later his body was recovered from nine meters of water, still tied to the shopping cart.

Although Chance was a young man who had only just graduated from high school, the editors voted to give him a Darwin Award because–as his family says–the tragedy contains an important message they wish to share about thinking before you act. “We have all done stupid things. Not one person thought that this was not a good game to play.” People of Earth! This is not a good game to play. Leave that shopping cart at the mall, lest you find yourself in the hereafter swapping stories with Chance.

Double Darwin Award! Sports Training – 2014 Darwin Award Nominee -Confirmed True by Darwin Double Darwin Award! So many train deaths, the editors are railing against stupidity.
(2 March 2014, Netherlands) Two intoxicated men dared each other to test their courage against an intercity train at a Rotterdam train station. At 1800 hours on a Sunday evening, the station was crowded with more than 300 fans returning from a soccer-match pitting Feyenoord against Ajax at De Kuip, the most beautiful soccer stadium in Holland.

The two men stepped off the platform and strode forth onto the tracks. One superdaredevil lay down between the tracks, intending to prove that the entire train would pass over him. What a story to tell! His friend was less confident and he merely knelt down next to the track and kept his head as close as possible to where he thought the train’s profile would be. Turns out that the 130 km/h train that came down the track some seconds later was both lower and wider than they thought. They were killed instantly.

The 300+ onlookers on the platform were none too pleased by the spectacle, and train traffic was interrupted for several hours while authorities cleaned up the mess.

The Thing Ring – 2014 Darwin Award Nominee – Confirmed True by Darwin
(May 2014, England) In the interest of public safety, Darwin Awards editors are releasing this ribald event to the public to serve as a warning to adventurous amorous males. The event was brought to our attention by an eyewitness, who provided additional details (withheld for privacy reasons) to confirm it.

“Being part of emergency services, firemen are called upon to get people out of unlikely situations. We were summoned to the A&E Department of a central London hospital to assist in removing a “thing ring.” With our ring cutters at the ready, we were presented with the patient, his ‘meat and two veg’ extremely swollen and such a dark purple that they were almost blackened. The whole sorry mess was encircled by a thick titanium ring. Normally the procedure to remove a thing ring is a five-minute affair, but our cutters could not make a mark on the titanium! After expending a number of cutter blades we had to concede defeat.

“The man in question had put himself into this situation three days prior to committing himself to A&E, delaying the hospital visit due to embarrassment and a vain hope that it would resolve itself in time. Unfortunately this error in judgement cost him dearly. The wonderful doctors can often drain blood and remove the ring the way it went on–yet by the time he sought help, and our tools had been defeated, his jewels was past saving. Full castration–the result of the man’s own actions and decisions–make this eunuch a self-selected nominee for a living Darwin Award.