• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians . . .. The quick and the dead.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
• Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
• In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out’? Hmmmmm, How about eggs ?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

A group of women was at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?”

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?” Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some can’t remember. The women then were told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”

The women then were instructed to exchange phones with another person and to read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 11 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while….a sign of true love….who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
8. Am I dreaming?
9. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for,someone will die.
10. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.
11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

And The Winner Is!

Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning.  It was a fine spring day in his new Washington D.C. Parish.  He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . A donkey lying dead in the  middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the White House . The conversation went like this:

“Good morning. This is Donald Trump,  How might I help you?”

“And the best of the day te yerself .    This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple  o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”

Trump , considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the  good father, replied, “Well now Father, it was always my  impression that you people took care of the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line  for a moment . . . . Father O’Malley then replied:  “Aye,’ tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.”

ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend’s Funeral
BTW: Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can’t Get Up
CR: Can’t Remember
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DTAF: Don’t Trust A Fart
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
FYI: For Your Indigestion.
GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
GOML: Get Off My Lawn
GTG: Got the Gout
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHMO: In My HMO…
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
JK: Just Kvetching
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
MGAD: My Grandson’s A Doctor
MILF: Meal I’d Like To Forget
OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP: Pooped In My Pants
ROFL CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing, and Can’t Get Up
RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
TGIF: Thank Goodness It’s Four (Four O’Clock – Early Bird Special)
TLC: Totally Lost Continence
TOT: Texting on Toilet
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
WTF: Wet the Floor
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

* You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.

* You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, “She’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.

* You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.

*You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That’s a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. That’s Tech Support.

* You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!” That’s Facebook.

* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That’s Bill Clinton.

* You didn’t mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement of $88,000. That’s America!