EXHAUSTIPATED ….. IT MEANS YOU’RE TOO TIRED TO GIVE A SHIT.

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. ‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. ‘What are my choices?’ John asked. ‘Yes or no,’ she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘ Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead…’

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’ When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’  The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.’

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2014!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’ A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’ The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.

A few days ago I opined on the Electoral College and a portion of that post is below. 

As is typical, we once again hear “We should eliminate the Electoral College and have Presidential elections decided by the popular vote”. This selection process seems to me is just another example of the wisdom of our founding fathers. Where each state gets a proportionate representation in the House of Representatives, with at least one congressperson, but each state receives two senators regardless of the population. These balance the inherent bias toward the states with the larger populations with the need to provide a “Place At The Table” for states with smaller populations.

The beat goes on with some continuing to advocate for the direct election of the President. To show the fallacy in this proposition lets look at a logical extension. Rather than our current allocation of Congresspersons and Senators what if they were allocated on a strict population basis. With no guarantee of the current one Congressperson and two Senators, a number of our smaller states would have NO representation. While the intelligentsia would probably not have any issues with those in what is euphemistically referred to as “Fly Over Land” not being represented my guess is that many would. I am sure that some would insist that this is “different” but it is not. Both are examples of our forefathers working to avoid the “Tierney of the Majority”. Think about it? If all offices, both the President and Congress, were strictly allocated based on population winning in only a few states would allow one faction or the other to control the entire government. Granted we are not all that far away now, but at least there is some protection. By example, the population in the ten most populous states comprises 54.2% of the total USA population according to 2015 data, meaning that the remaining 40 states could be left out in the cold. One only needs to think about two Senators; Tom Daschle and John Thune, both from the small state of South Dakota, that might well be unrepresented if all congressional seats were apportioned on population. Had that been the case we, the USA, would have lost the intelligence and talent these two brought to the fold. By the way, one is a Democrat and the other a Republican.

While I am at it, I might as well throw another log on the fire. Term Limits are long overdue! Our Forefathers envisioned a citizen legislature, not an installed ruling class. However, looking at the current makeup of both the House and Senate we find it filled with career politicians with incumbency almost guaranteeing re-election. My proposal is that no one ever runs for re-election. One four-year term for the House and one eight-year term for the Senate. Just think, rather than working on their re-election on the first day of the term they might have time to actually get something done without the influence of those outside forces needed for reelection.

Family
As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’ The daughter replied: ‘mom, I’m thirty-five years Old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: ‘What the f… are you doing?’ The husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’

Their accent appeared to be Irish, so I approached and asked, “Hello, are you three lassies from Ireland?”

One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!”

So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry.  Are you three whales from Ireland?”

And that’s the last thing I remember…

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing. He replied that he is working on “Aqua-thermal  treatment  of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment”.

I was impressed……

Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water – under his wife’s supervision.

One time I got sick and landed in the hospital.   There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.   She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “and how are we doing this morning?” Or….. “are we ready for a bath?” Or… “are we hungry?” I had enough of this particular nurse. One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice   off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.   Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.  So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,   “My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.” At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”  The nurse fainted… I just smiled!

DON’T MESS WITH US OLD PEOPLE… You’ll lose every time!!!!!

Direction for any war:

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces feels I’m too old to track down terrorists.  You can’t be older than 42 to join the military.  They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards.

 Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.  You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.  Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.   ‘My back hurts!  I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry.’  We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 am.  Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell.  Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.  If captured, we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put the damn things.  In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.  We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food.  We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however… I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too…. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.  He’s still learning to shave and to start a conversation with a pretty girl.  He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists.  The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!!  How about recruiting Women over 50…in menopause!!!  You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!  If nothing else, put them on border patrol.  They’ll have it secured the first night!

Send this to all of your senior friends…it’s in big type so they can read it.