1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at  crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New  York Times.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time  and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really  care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something  really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison that used to run the state, & would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running  it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay,  handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country  or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

Believe it or not…
These are Memphis , TN ‘s
REAL 911 Calls!  

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.  
Dispatcher: Do you have   an address?
Caller:   No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?  

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller:  Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller:  I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller:  No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller:   I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.  
Dispatcher: This is   nine eleven.
Caller:    I thought you just said it was nine-one-one 
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller:    Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller:    My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller:  No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……….
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller:  Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.  Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from
Caller:  I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller:   No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller:   Running from the Police

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, “Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.”

“No problem,” the man said. “I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!

The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.”

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, “OK, sir.. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and let him in .

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel’s surprise, it was Donald Trump. “Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.” Trump said, “No problem. But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th-floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course, I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn’t die right away.

As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me.

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. “I could get used to this new policy,” he thinks to himself. “Very well,” the Angel announces. “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel’s head. Finally he says, “Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.”

Clinton says, “OK, picture this. I’m naked, inside a refrigerator……

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on  from generation to  generation, says that: “When you discover that you are riding a dead  horse, best strategy is to dismount ” .  

However, in government, more advanced strategies are often  used… Such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing  riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4.  Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead  horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be  included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as  living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead  horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase  speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to  increase the dead horse’s performance.
10. Doing a productivity  study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s  performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to  be fed, it is less  costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other  horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for  all horses.

And of course….

13. Promoting the dead  horse to a supervisory position.

If you don’t understand this  theory, you haven’t lived long enough.

Question: How many days in a week? 
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday 





Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime? 
Answer: Three hours after (s)he falls asleep in the recliner. 




Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? 
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. 





Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees? 
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Very true




Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Sometime 15%





Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? 
Answer: Tied shoes. 




Question: Why do retirees count pennies? 
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. 





Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? 
Answer: NUTS! So true




Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? 
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.





Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? 
Answer: Normal. 




Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. 




Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. 





Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite…. 


QUESTION: What do you do all week? 
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING….. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa . He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.

“Sure,” said the pro, “What’s your handicap?”

Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. “Well, it’s 16,” said the businessman, “but what’s the relevance since I’ll be playing alone?”

“It’s very important for us to know,” said the pro, who then called a caddy.

“Go out with this gentleman,” said the pro, “his handicap is 16.” The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman’s bag and a large rifle. Again, the businessman was surprised, but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par-4. “It’s wise to avoid those trees on the left,” said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. “That’s the Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa . You’re lucky I was here with you.”

After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par-5. “Good to avoid those bushes on the right,” says the caddy. Of course, the businessman’s ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy’s rifle once again, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. “I’ve saved your life again,” said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a par-3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman’s ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly. “Why didn’t you kill it?” asked the man incredulously.

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the caddy. “This is the 17th handicap hole. You don’t get a shot here.”

And that is another reason why one should never lie about handicaps.

The Resurrection

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.” It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.

What the hell are these “Protests” to Trump’s election all about? Typically the objective of protests is to change something – like the civil rights movement or in an attempt to change a decision by some legislative body – be it Federal, State or Local. Let’s face it, this decision by the people of the United States is unalterable for the next four years. To my mind, these look like little children throwing a temper tantrum because they cannot have another cookie or ice cream cone.

Obviously, at least some of this group could not conceive that the election would turn out without a Hillary Clinton win. They seem to  have forgotten what President Obama said, “Elections have consequences, and at the end of the day, I won.” – President Obama to House Republican Whip Eric Cantor, January 23, 2009. Earlier today, Geraldo Rivera made the point that the places where the protests, and acts of violence, are occurring are in cities where Hillary Clinton had huge majorities. I suppose it is another example of the “Why doesn’t everybody agree with me, I am much smarter” syndrome. Or that they are so isolated in these enclaves that it never occurs to them that there are as many or more with other views.

As is typical, we once again hear “We should eliminate the Electoral College and have Presidential elections decided by the popular vote”. This selection process seems to me is just another example of the wisdom of our founding fathers. Where each state gets a proportionate representation in the House of Representatives, with at least one congressperson, but each state receives two senators regardless of the population. These balance the inherent bias toward the states with the larger populations with the need to provide a “Place At The Table” for states with smaller populations.

Whether we voted for Trump or Clinton the time for hand-wringing is over. Trump will be our President for the next four years and we all owe him the support so that we can achieve the best outcome for all. Continuing to deny reality serves no real purpose and only serves to expand and preserve the divide.

Here is the link to a post by Jonathan Turley that looks at this from a different perspective. Turley, for those of you who do not know, is a law professor at George Washington University and a highly respected legal scholar. By the way, his blog just passed 30,000,000 views!