After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came  to   visit  Eve. ‘So, how is everything going?’ inquired God. 

‘It is all so beautiful, God,’ she replied. ‘The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. 

It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain.’ 

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ‘symmetrically balanced’. 

‘That’s a fair point,’ replied God, ‘But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.’ 

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes   

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. 

‘Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?’ 

‘Just fantastic,’ she replied, ‘But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.’ 

God thought for a moment and said, ‘You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let’s see….where did I put that useless Tit?’ 

Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib? 

Send to men with a sense of humour & women who figure this makes sense.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.

She started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Ann. I’m on the train.” “Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life. Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!” 

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Ann, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Ann doesn’t use her mobile phone in public any longer.

LOVE IT !!!!!

Thought you’d enjoy this!
It’s one you want your Children and Grandchildren to read.
They won’t believe this happened, but it DID. 

Harry & Bess
(This seems unreal.)

Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many, or more important decisions regarding our nation’s history as any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.

The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri. His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.

When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an ‘allowance’ and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, “You don’t want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn’t belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it’s not for sale.”

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, “I don’t consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise.”

As president, he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food. 

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale.

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, “My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there’s hardly any difference!” I, for one, believe the piano player job to be much more honorable than current politicians.”

I say dig him up and clone him!

Just in case you needed a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one;
that’s reassurance to those of us who fly routinely.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident….

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
 – S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. – S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
 – S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield. – S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
 – S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. – S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
 – S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. – S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. – S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield. – S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. – S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
 – S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums. – S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
 – S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
 pounding on something with a hammer. – S: Took hammer away from the midget!

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing.

Great mental exercise for us aging folks.

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1.  Monica Lewinski

2.  Bill Clinton

3.  Hilary Clinton

4.  Adolph Hitler

5.  Jorge Bergoglio

6.  Joseph Stalin

7.  Vladimir Putin

8.  Linda Lovelace

9.  Saddam Hussein

10. Tiger Woods 

You had trouble with #5? You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don’t know the Pope?

A Little More Humor

Mark and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

Mark says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering.have you ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh Mark, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question.”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please.”

“Well, all right. Yes, three times.” she admitted.

“Three? Well, when were they?” he asked.

“Well, Mark, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start your own business and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”

“Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number two?” he asked.

“Well, Mark, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself,  and then you were in good shape again?” she said.

“I can’t believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me. I couldn’t be more moved.

So, all right then, when was number three?” he asked, racking his brain.

“Well, Mark, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?”

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. 

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational speaking tone to see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

Then in a normal tone, he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Still no response.

Next, he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her… “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

(I just love this)  

“Ralph, for THE FIFTH time, it’s chicken”

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. 

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.  Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Ellie, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.