Freddie always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse”.

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Freddie could find no hope in it.

So on the golf course one day, one of them said, “Freddie, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”

“That’s awful,” said Freddie, “But it could have been worse.”

“How in the hell,” asked his angry friend, “Could it have been worse?”

“Well,” replied Freddie, “If it had happened the night before, I’d be dead now.”

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? 
 Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. 
 Every Saturday morning, he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy — just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
 “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked. 
 “Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse’s ass, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind bastard, dip shit, peckerhead or son of a bitch anywhere we went. We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun.”

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me; we’re the same age, we were the same size as kids.  I just don’t get it.”

“Well, ” said the big Croc, “What have you been eating?”

“Politicians, same as you, ” replied the small Croc.

“Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?”

“Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.”

“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?”

“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.  Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!”

“Ah!” says the big Crocodile, “I think I see your problem.  You’re not getting any real nourishment.  See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there’s nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase!”

ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION: “The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2016 election year.

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. “I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?” 

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“OK,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal – it didn’t hurt his chances that he was the first man she had seen besides her father in years. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest.  The old man was standing over him “First Chinese torture test: Large rock on chest.” 

“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” 

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so the old man smiled softly, “Second Chinese torture test: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic, he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring a few broken bones were better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward the old man leaned out the window with a large grin, “Third Chinese torture test: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” 

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” 

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.” 

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. “Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep“.

Earlier this week Joanna Stern of the Wall Street Journal wrote an article titled “Apple 9.7-Inch iPad Pro Review: Tablet vs. Laptop Showdown” and you can find it Here. Following is the text of an email that I sent to Joanna. By the way, I did not include this in my email to Joanna but I wrote the email on my iPad and Brydge keyboard.

I read and enjoyed your review and while I agree with much of what you said, think you might have missed the point. Like you, I have an iPad Air – have not yet made the decision on the 9.7″ iPad Pro – and a MacBook Air. For me, the question is not can one replace the other but which is the best option for the job. On many shorter trips, I have been comfortable taking only the iPad and handled all of the things that I needed to do. Some of that relates to how I have the iPad configured – with MS Office 365, including OneNote which is a winner, Evernote, Fuze for meetings and my answer to file management Dropbox. Because I manage distribution emailing for three organizations using Constant Contact, and receive content in many formats, also have the iWork applications installed. I also attend two online chat meetings weekly and find the iPad best for that as I typically do this with the device in my lap. What makes all of this even more possible is my Brydge keyboard. I have used other keyboards on earlier iPads but nothing comes close to the Brydge. Backlighting, infinite display angles that hold where you set them and do not flop around and rock solid construction are just a few of the strong points of this product.

All that said, everything I regularly do can typically be done on the MacBook Air and in some instances easier. Also, not all of the applications – principally the MS Office group – have the same capability on the iPad but usually do not have a problem when editing something on the iPad that was created on the MacBook Air.

On the other hand, some things that I do daily are much easier on the iPad – reading newspapers and magazines at the top of that list. While in most cases I cannot get the publisher of magazines to stop sending me the physical product I typically have the issue read on my iPad before the physical media arrives and makes a one-way trip to the recycling barrel. The three newspapers I read are not so difficult and have agreed to stop delivering physical newspapers. By the way, I wished that the WSJ would come up with a lower digital subscription rate for us retired folk.

And there are some things, email, web browsing, basic correspondence among them, that get done based on which device I have at hand, and that by the way often extends to my iPhone. 

The larger iPad Pro is to me an answer looking for a question. I suspect there are some vertical applications where it makes sense but it still lacks the full power of the MacBook Air but when it is paired with the upcoming Brydge keyboard weighs slightly more than the MacBook Air. Who Knows. I am hoping that the rumor about a new MacBook Air sized MacBook Pro is true.

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.

The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there was a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a haircut.

*And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

As Ronald Reagan said:

*BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

*If you don’t forward this you have no sense of humor. Nothing bad will happen, however, you must live with yourself knowing that laughter is not in your future.

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds.  Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner!  Mostly croutons & tomatoes.  Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce.  And cheese.   FINE, it was a pizza.  I ate a pizza.

How to prepare Tofu:
1.  Throw it in the trash.
2.  Grill some Meat.

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don’t mean to brag but……I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school.
Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented….I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 65.   I learn something new every day…….and forget 5 others.

A thief broke into my house last night……He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

The IRS has returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey  after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly In response to the question, “Do you have anyone dependent on you?” 

The man wrote “9.5 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 3.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington and 40 million do nothing federal employees.

The IRS stated that the answer he gave was unacceptable.!!!

The man responded back, “Who did I leave out?”